Breast milk, it does a body good

Breastmilk sprayer sentenced for assault

Fantastic headline, isn’t it? You’re intrigued. Alas, you may be disappointed, I know I was.

Stephanie Robinette, 30, was given two years probation, a $200 fine and has been ordered to take anger management classes at a hearing in Delaware, Ohio, yesterday.

Grammar Nazi note: Wouldn’t it be “two years’ probation” – you know, possessive, like her ass is owned by those two years?

A $200 fine? That’s it? She has two years’ probation and all she has to pay is $200?

Anger management classes … with Charlie Sheen or Jack Nicholson?  This can’t be good.

The 30-year-old was arrested in June after she had a fight with her husband at a wedding reception in Powell, assaulting him and locking herself in their car. 
Okay, she was arrested because she got in a fight with her husband? Come on, that’s no fun. If we get arrested for getting in fights with our significant other now, what are they going to do next, arrest us for breathing?

Okay, okay, she assaulted him. Of course, I would like to know how and with what she assaulted him. I mean, did she just smack him? Did she beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat? I really think we need to know the details here.

Police arrived about 1am and tried to make her leave the car, but in an attempt to keep them away, Robinette "pulled out one of her breasts and started literally milking it, then spraying breast milk towards the officers," Delaware County Sheriff Walter Davis III said in June. 
AP style alert: It should be “1 a.m.” Always use the periods. Silly writers and editors.

Okay, what’s wrong with this thought process: to keep the scary policemen away, I’m going to whip out my boob. Men like boobs. Men are attracted to them. Don’t whip it out unless it hangs down to your knee and no longer resembles a boob.

Now, here’s the thing, if she’s able to milk her boob, she must still be breastfeeding (and if she was able to spray it any sort of distance, she must have been engorged beyond all hell), where is the mention of her child at this point? Any story like this always has the heart-wrenching moment where you feel sorry for the kid because his/her mom is a giant screw-up.

Surveillance footage shows Robinette becoming increasingly violent and verbally abusive as she is pulled from the car.

Whoa, I find this hard to believe. I mean, she was ordered to anger management classes, and she got violent with the cops. No way.

When told the arrest was being captured on video, she yells: "Record it all! Record it all!"

I love it. It’s like Cops, all redneck-style. In Ohio, not even Mississippi or Alabama, to boot. Of course she wanted it recorded, she’s hoping some porn director will come looking for her later. This could be her big break, you know.

During the hearing, her husband told the court his wife needed to get help.

Really, jackass, you wait until now to inform someone she needs help? Why didn’t you tell her this before? Or was this incident really your first indication that she had an issue? You just want to look like a victim here – but the fact is, either a) you caused her violence or her issues because you’re a douche, or b) you refuse to help her because you’re a selfish twit who won’t look out for the well-being of his wife and child, or c) all of the above.  

Why didn’t someone check her for post-partum depression? I mean, it’s a legit thing, she’s obviously post-partum (unless she’s one of those freaks who breast-feeds her kid till he/she is like five-years-old, but I find that highly unlikely in this situation), and she obviously has issues. I’m not saying this is the case. I’m not saying that it even excuses spraying cops with breast milk. I’m just saying, perhaps she needs some real help.


But perhaps she’s just whacked.

"I don't know that alcohol is my wife's problem. I'm no doctor so the doctors will have to determine that."

Thank you, Captain Obvious. You’re obviously not a doctor. Otherwise you probably would have prescribed her anti-depressants or something long ago. If you were a rational human being who gave a damn about his wife, you might have tried to force her to get help long ago.

**Warning, therapy content** Alcohol is NOT your wife’s problem. It is a symptom of the problem. Something causes her to want to drink. You need to help her find the source of the problem (I’m betting it’s you!) so she’ll stop drinking. **end therapy content**

Elitist reporter note: This is the FIRST mention of alcohol. There was no mention of her being drunk when all this went down. It’s a logical assumption, absolutely, but the way the story is written, she sounds like she’s nuts and this ending quote just comes out of left field. That’s shoddy writing.

I can't drive 55 - but this 8-year-old can

Drunk father lets 8-year-old son drive pickup: police

Let’s discuss the headline. First, I always hated the whole “Police:” bit when before a headline, but in the newspaper world, you do work with limited space, so I understand why it’s done, even if I can’t stand it. But this IS THE INTERNET! You have all the space in the world (well, as much as your server can handle). What the hell, Reuters?

Second, why isn’t the “police” attribution at the beginning? I mean, it sort of reads like the dad let the kid drive his pickup and the police. Well, good job kid.

Reuters, you blow. No wonder most people go to the AP for their news.

A drunk father allegedly allowed his 8 year-old son to drive his pick-up truck on a southeast Louisiana highway on Saturday while he slept, until patrol officers pulled over the boy, police said.
Grammar Nazi note: This sentence reads funny. It just does. I mean, I get what it’s saying, but honestly, it just could have been worded about 1,000 different ways that would have been easier to read.

So, this does beg the question, if the 8-year-old knew what to do when the blue lights came on, you have to question how often he’d seen his dad get pulled over, or his dad’s let him watch Supertroopers way too many times.

Of course, you know you wanted the cop to walk up to the car and ask, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“No.”
“You’re 8-years-old, that’s why. You’re grounded.”
“You’re not my daddy.”
“Somebody should be.”

The boy was driving the Chevrolet truck on Interstate 12 near the town of Holden, with his father in the passenger seat and his 4 year-old sister in the back seat, Louisiana State Police said in a statement.
Grammar Nazi note: Again, this could have been worded so many different ways that would have been better.

So, here’s the conundrum – which is more dangerous? Drinking and driving or letting your 8-year-old drive? I guess with all of the kid's experience behind the wheel of a Little Tikes car and a Power Wheels Jeep, daddy figured he had plenty of on-the-road experience.

And wait a second, where was he able to get drunk with an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old in tow? Wow, some bartender blows ass. Or he’s got some equally dumbass friends.

A passing motorist noticed the pick-up truck was being driven erratically and called police.
When Louisiana state troopers pulled over the truck in Livingston Parish, they found the 8 year-old boy behind the wheel and interviewed the father, 28 year-old Billy Joe Madden of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, police said.
Jesus Reuters, my head is about to explode. Please, please, please, give me a high-paying editing job because whoever you’ve got writing/editing this stuff sucks. Badly.

Alright, so obviously they found him behind the wheel, I mean, we gathered that from the previous two paragraphs. I mean, I know the bit – tell them what you want to tell them, then tell them again, but come on, how stupid do you think we are?

I should hope they interviewed the father. I should hope they freaking beat the crap out of the father. Someone, quick, give that kid a breathalyzer because dumbass daddy might have given him a beer too.

Police said they determined Madden was drunk and that he had been sleeping while his son drove the vehicle, en-route to Dallas, Texas.
Okay, okay, okay – how did they determine it? Field sobriety test? Breathalyzer? Smelled his breath? Lucky guess?

Alright, now, I admit I had to look this up, but Dallas is almost a 500-mile trip from Livingston Parish. I learned how to read basic maps when I was this kid’s age, but I had no idea how to navigate the interstates. Shoot, I’m *ahem, cough, cough* years-old and I still have trouble navigating the interstates sometimes. This kid must be a genius.

Wait, no, with a daddy like that, highly unlikely. Just saying.

Madden was arrested and booked into jail on two counts of child desertion, parent allowing a minor to drive, open container and two counts of no child restraint and no seatbelt.
How is child desertion if he had them with him? I guess cause he was asleep that counts as desertion? I mean, I agree that this guy deserves to have every charge against him filed, but I don’t see how that one works.

Parent allowing a minor to drive, that’s really a charge? You learn something new every day. And if it wasn’t before, it is now.

Open container. Reference my comment about the kid earlier. Are you sure that was daddy’s open container?

No child restraint – oh come on, those booster seats are a bitch to install on the driver’s side. You can’t really expect the kid to drive effectively while in a booster seat, can you?

No seat belt – for him? Well come on, now, you know as well as I do you can’t sleep very well with a seat belt on. It makes it impossible to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb while you sleep. Duh.

Madden remains in jail at Livingston Parish Detention Center in lieu of $1,474 bail, said sheriff's deputy Dustin Sanders at the facility.
He couldn’t make $1474 in bail money? Really? I mean, with a bail bondsman, it’s only $147 dollars. Come on dude, do you really suck that bad? Do you have no friends?

Both of Madden's children were turned over to child welfare authorities and were awaiting the arrival of a family member who could take custody of them, police said.
You freakin’ think? Where’s momma in all this? Oh, I bet she probably died in a car accident when the kid was 6-years-old, as he drove her home from an AA meeting.

Today's PSA: This is your brain, this is your brain as a giant fat ass

New British guildlines say even babies should exercise
Grammar Nazi note: Really, a typo in the headline? Do I really have to go on this tirade?

The British government launched a new campaign on Monday aimed against obesity, saying that children under the age of 5, including those who cannot walk yet, should exercise.
First of all, it does sort of go without saying that children who are unable to walk, are under 5.

Second of all, yeah, make sure you plan exercise with your three-week-old. I mean, really? I mean, I understand the sentiment here, but, really, you know there’s some idiot out there who is going to throw a sweatband and a mini-Flashdance-style sweatshirt on their child and abuse that poor kid, and then claim the British government told them they were supposed to do it.

The health department said, in the first guidelines issued for children that young, that children under 5 who can walk should engage in some kind of physical activity for at least three hours spaced throughout the day. Parents are urged to limit the amount of time young children spend indoors or strapped into strollers.
Back the train up, didn’t they just say in the lead that this included children who weren’t able to walk yet? What’s up with the change in mentality in just a couple paragraphs? No wonder we wanted to be free of your tyranny 200+ years ago.

Officials said that young children's daily exercise needs can be met by simply walking to school and during playtime and play dates. Additionally, parents should start getting babies active at birth, allowing them to play on their stomach or enjoying swimming sessions with their parents.
We do allow them to play on their stomachs, it’s called “tummy time” and most newborns HATE it. As far as the obesity argument is concerned, it was so much easier to make sure my kid ate healthy later on then force tummy time when she screamed her little head off.

If their daily exercise needs can be met by simply walking to school and playtime, then why are we even being given these guidelines? (I mean guildlines, my bad.) Seems to me the logic in that argument isn’t working. Yeah, you need to make sure they get plenty of exercise, but that’s probably being met by daily activities, so no worries.

Currently, nearly a quarter of British are obese. By 2050, experts estimate that about 90 percent of adults in Britain will be heavy.
Wow, that’s a statistic I’ve never read before. But hey, you know they say 78 percent of statistics are made up on the spot. Maybe they’d do better at thwarting obesity by banning the sale of couches as opposed to setting out stupid guildlines.

According to a 2008 health survey, only about 5 percent of Britons meet the government's minimal activity standards of 150 minutes of moderate to vigorous exercise a week.
I know I don’t need to point this out, but a 2008 survey is sooooo three years ago. I’m sure one has been done since then. Come on, reporter boy, let’s do some research.

So, someone please tell me why children under the age of 5 are supposed to have three HOURS of exercise a day but the guildline for adults is a mere 2.5 hours A WEEK?

The new British campaign is ambitious. The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recommends children and teenagers get one hour or more of physical activity a day.
The U.S., land of the fat-asses (including mine, thankyouverymuch), doesn’t recommend as much physical activity a day. I’m shocked.

Now ... just to throw this out there, in doing a web search for images to accompany this, I stumbled across the Baby Bariatrics website. This is, quite frankly, the most "what the fuck were they thinking" thing I have ever seen. You think I'm kidding don't you? I can't make this up.

By request: Driving fail

Driver charged after pedestrian's body found in front seat
I don't know about you, but this headline is sorely disappointing. They could have made it so much more interesting given the story.

Deputy Constable Paul Armand was making what he thought was a routine traffic stop early Tuesday morning when he pulled over a car that didn't have headlights on.
They all start that way. It’s always the ones you least expect.

Grammar Nazi note: Did they just end a sentence with a preposition? In the first paragraph, no less? For shame.

As he approached the black Mazda 626, the Precinct 8 deputy noticed the driver had blood on his face. He also saw that the front windshield was shattered and partially inside the vehicle.
Wait, you saw the car didn’t have headlights on, so obviously you saw the front of the car, and you didn’t notice the windshield was shattered? Yeah, yeah, it was dark out, but come on, they were in the city. There are streetlights everywhere. 

The deputy constable then saw a body in the passenger seat, partially underneath the dashboard and with a severed leg.
Grammar Nazi note: Wouldn’t that actually be without a severed leg? I’m just saying… wouldn’t the ideal phrasing be “underneath the dashboard and missing a leg”?

I’m trying to figure this out, if the body was partially obstructed by the dashboard, how did he notice the missing leg? Was the guy upside down, leg (singular, of course) just sort of sitting there, like “hey, how ya doing? Have you seen my partner?” Or was just one side of the guy’s body under the dashboard? How awkward is that? Good thing he was dead cause that would so so uncomfortable.

"He (Armand) was shocked," said Precinct 8 Capt. Jason Finnen.
Elitist reporter note: Really? That’s the best quote you could find? Why not interview the actual cop who made this “shocking” discovery and not the Precinct 8 Captain? Or, better yet, why not use useful quotes instead of filler?

I love how they felt the need to clarify the pronoun “he” with the parenthetical inclusion. (You know you love the phrase "parenthetical inclusion" too. Deny it, I dare you!) I mean, of course the dead guy didn’t say that. I seriously doubt the drunk ass who killed the dead guy said that.

The driver, James John Onak, 45, told the deputy he didn't realize a dead body was in the passenger seat, Finnen said.
Well, really, what else is he going to say? “I knew it was there, but I didn’t care. I wanted to get home before I got pulled over for DUI.” Doh.

Yeah, see, how can you not notice the thud and the crash of someone coming through your windshield? I guess I’ve never experienced it, so maybe it is something that can happen that you wouldn’t notice. I mean, the passenger seat is sort of just in your peripheral vision.

Wait, he’s just a deputy now? I thought he was a Deputy Constable. That’s got to be like way more important. It’s a whole extra word in the title. (And I don’t know about you, but whenever I hear the word “Constable” I think Mary Poppins.)

Police allege Onak struck 32-year-old Fadel Steadman with his car on the Gulf Freeway in southeast Houston and kept on driving for three miles while the man's body lay in his passenger seat.
Let’s think about this. He had to have struck the guy with his car, otherwise he wouldn’t have been in his passenger seat. Or had a smashed up windshield. There’s really no “allege” here, there’s just did.

Onak was later arrested and charged with felony failure to stop and render aid involving a fatality and driving while intoxicated.

What about the no headlights that started this whole thing? I’m disappointed. I mean, really, you pull the guy over for one thing, but all of the sudden you see a dead body in the passenger seat and it’s a whole different story. If you’re going to charge him, charge him for everything.

Houston police, who took over the investigation, estimate that the accident occurred in the southbound lanes of the 12200 block of Gulf Freeway around 12:30 a.m. Tuesday, about 10 minutes before Armand pulled Onak over.
How much of an investigation do you need? Determine time and cause of death. Did he die on impact? Then subtract from the current date/time and boom, you have time of the accident. It’s not rocket science.

Investigators believe Steadman had pulled his Ford Explorer into the emergency lane on the left side of the freeway near Fuqua after the vehicle broke down.
Grammar Nazi note: There’s that extraneous “had” again. ARGHHHHHHH.

Witnesses told police Steadman was running back and forth across the freeway when he was struck by the Mazda. 

I’m sorry, I just have this vision of the kid from “Robin Hood: Men In Tights” running, arms up in the air, screaming, back and forth across the freeway here.

If that’s the case, perhaps the guy did the world a favor and rid the world of one more stupid person. He doesn’t deserve jail-time for that, he deserves a medal.

The collision forced Steadman's body through the windshield, and he landed in the front passenger seat inside the car, police said.
I don’t get why we have to rehash this here. We’re moving into filler again. We’ve already determined the guy was hit, came through the windshield, and was inside the car. After all, earlier we were told he was partially under the dashboard so he had to be in the car. I know we’re supposed to write to a sixth grade level so the general masses will understand, but I don’t know that we had to go quite this far down. At least not here. We discussed the drunk guy hitting the dumbass earlier in the story. This could have gone there.

I will say, at least they used the word “collision” correctly, which is something a lot of people do not do. In order for two things to “collide,” they must both be moving (so sayeth the AP Stylebook). If this moron was, in fact, running back and forth across the freeway, then they were both in motion and therefore, it was a collision. (Who knew I’d give a reporter props!)

However, Onak did not stop driving. Police said he got off the freeway and drove a few more blocks before he was pulled over by Armand on Kirkvalley near Beamer, police said.
Of course he didn’t stop driving, he didn’t know the guy was there. If he had stopped driving this entire story wouldn’t be near as entertaining.

Of course, I don’t live in Houston so these location names mean nothing to me.

Onak told Armand he thought he had hit something while driving down the Gulf Freeway, but he was not sure, Finnen said.
Grammar Nazi note: HAD. Enough said.

Think this could have been his first clue?

You thought you hit something, but you’re not sure. Perhaps the spider-web of glass in front of you could have given it away? I’m just saying. God, what a moron. One stupid person takes out another stupid person.

After discovering the body in the seat, Armand called paramedics and additional deputy constables to the scene. While searching the freeway, another deputy constable located the Mazda's licence plate as well as what appeared to be Steadman's leg, Finnen said.
Grammar Nazi note: Anyone else notice that license is spelled wrong in the sentence above? Hehehehe. Basic editing people. Even Word will tell you that’s misspelled. It doesn’t take a college degree, though, I admit, it helps.

“What appeared to be Steadman’s leg.” Well, come on, let’s be fair, you see a lot of lone shoes on the freeway, not a lot of lone legs. It’s got to be his.

You know, according to Mitch Hedberg, “A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.” Just saying…

In 2001, a Fort Worth woman, who after a night of drinking and using drugs, struck a homeless man with her car and drove home with the man crumpled in the windshield. She then left him in her garage where he died two days later. The woman, Chante Mallard, was convicted and sentenced to 50 years in prison in 2003.
What is it with these Texas people hitting people and not realizing it? This particular instance does raise a bunch of questions though. No need to list them out, you’re thinking them too.  You know you are.

Onak, who is jailed in lieu of a $55,500 bail, faces two to 10 years in prison as well as up to a $10,000 fine for the felony charge.
Someone tell me how this guy is only facing up to 10 years, but the chick got 50? Doesn’t make sense. They both hit someone while under the influence, that person died, and they were morons about it.

He is scheduled to appear in court Thursday.
It’s a good thing I’m not a reporter in Houston having to cover this. Because I would have giggled my whole way through the hearing.

Headline two years in the making: Octomom can't handle it! World says: Duh

Octomom dropped the bomb today that she “hates the babies” and her older kids are unruly because she doesn’t have the time to discipline them because the babies demand so much of her attention. And she will take hours to eat her lunch on the floor in the bathroom because it’s the only time she can get alone time.

Let’s take a look at this …

It’s wrong to say you hate your kids. I mean, I’ve made the joke I want to kill mine, but to everyone I make that joke to, they know I love her to death and wouldn’t trade her for the world. I just wish she’d drop the attitude sometimes. (I haven’t a CLUE where she got that from. Must be her daddy.) I do not, however, regret her, and I wouldn’t want to live life without her.

But I also know my limits. People ask me when I’m having another one and I tell them never. She’s enough of a strain on what little patience I had to start, so two would send me to the crazy house. If I ever get pregnant again, please fit me for a straight-jacket as soon as I’m done breast-feeding and my boobs return to normal size. (Which, for me, is still huge, so maybe it won’t matter.)

What was my point before my big boobs distracted me (like they distract so many other people)? My point was that I know that one is about all I can handle. Six, no way. Fourteen, no way on God’s green Earth would I ever try to handle, let alone even think I could do so. But this woman claimed she could handle it, she had enough love to give, she didn’t want the embryos to die so she had that irresponsible doctor implant them all and two-thirds of them stuck. Thanks dude. And you wonder why they yanked your medical license.  (Yes, the woman also thought she’d get free stuff from the world like other families who had multiple. She got lots of vitriol, but that’s about all she got.)

Seriously, didn’t you think this was going to happen? Didn’t you get like this at any point while raising the six that you didn’t think you could handle it, that your alone time was out the window? I don’t get why this is a sudden realization, 14 kids later. I knew before my ONE was born that my alone time was going to be rare. 

As far as your six kids being unruly because you don’t have the time to discipline them, did you really have the time to discipline them before “the babies” you hate so much came into the picture? You don’t strike me as a hard-ass who pays attention to her kids in the first place, even without eight younger ones all going through their “terrible twos” together. Let’s be honest, when you were as big as an apartment complex because your body was, in fact, housing enough people to fill an apartment complex, do you really think you were chasing after the other six, giving them the “discipline” (I contend the word should really be “attention” here) they needed?

Besides, they say it’s a psychology thing to act out to get negative attention. You think maybe your older ones are vying for your attention?

I would venture to say that they probably realized that 14 kids are too many, they are part of a failed attempt to get freebies in the world, that their mom is “Octomom” and will stop at nothing to get media attention, and you’re an idiot. As a result, they are doing what they can to prove you an irresponsible parent (ha, like they need to assist in that assumption) so they can be put into foster care. I know if I were one of your kids, I’d gladly welcome foster care.

Get in there, no talky, no talky

Not gonna lie, first thing that went through my mind
when I saw this was "The Shining."

Father locks son in box for 8 weeks

A FATHER locked his 21-year-old son in a tiny wooden BOX — as punishment for stealing chickens.
I’m not really sure what I have the biggest problem with here – the fact  guy decided to punish his 21-year old son, the fact he did it by cramming him into a wooden box, or the fact he did it because his son stole chickens?

In the basement of his home in Santa Cruz, Bolivia, Johan Knelsen lived in the 10ft-by-6ft filing cabinet-style cage for eight weeks before police arrived.
Wait, wait, wait … he was “punished” for eight weeks? For two months? Holy crap. Even when I got grounded when I was a kid, a month was the most I ever got.  So he was in the basement - I hope it wasn't during the rainy season, because being stuck in a box in a flooded basement would really suck.

I love the wording here, “before police arrived.” Uh, yeah, well, why’d they show up? Did someone tip them off? How long would this have gone on had the police not freed him?

His father, David Knelsen, a Canadian, told authorities his son was mentally ill and needed punishing for taking three chickens.
Alright, I’m going to avoid the obvious here – his kid’s “mentally-ill.” We all know the “right” thing to say and the “right” thing to do.

Okay, he stole three chickens. Why is three so important? Why wasn’t it just “punishing him for stealing chickens?” I mean, had it been just two, would he have only gotten a month in the box? If it was just one, he would have given him a hug and thanked him for dinner?

Alright, so the kid steals, you lock him in a box. Sheesh, I don’t even want to think about what this guy would do if the kid raped a girl or something.

Local media reported Johan was also in his father's bad books for using a phone.
Hehehe, “bad books” is funny. In America that’s called the shit list.

Um, maybe he needed to phone to beg someone to free him from his psychotic father.

The family is part of a certain Mennonite denomination which strictly interprets the Bible and shuns the use of technology.
Where in the Bible does it say, “thou shalt not use thy cell phone” or “thou shalt not friend anyone but Jesus on Facebook?”

When Johan was released from the box, police found it crammed with pillows and urine-filled bottles.
Johan said: "I went out, and when I came back they were angry with me here at home. Some people tied me up and put me in here, eight weeks ago.
Well, let’s at least give his dad credit for giving him pillows and bottles for his urine.

Wait a second, his dad wants to punish his kid but he can’t even do the dirty work, he’s got to get people tie his son up? You really are stellar dad material. 

"I ate and slept here. I did everything here. I ate and drank water and washed here."
Well, duh, if you were in there for eight weeks, you did everything here. We get it, Captain Obvious.

Of course, if he had slipped you a little pot or LCD, the box could have been more interesting. (Hey, don’t judge for the drug jokes, and old episode of “That 70s Show” is on in the background.)

The prosecution lawyer handling the case said locking someone up like that was against the law.
No shit, Sherlock. Damn, that law school you went to really taught you good, didn’t they?

Ever Merida added: "It is not permitted that a boy is physically and psychologically tortured inside a jail. It is in total violation of Bolivian law."
It’s in total violation of the Geneva Convention. Okay, well, maybe not, but it sounded good. But come on, it’s common sense. Only the cops are able to physically and psychologically torture people inside a jail.

Under orders from police, Johan's father opened the box and helped the young man to his feet.
Somehow I have my doubts Johan gave him a big hug and told him he loved him.

There are dozens of Mennonite settlements in the rich lowlands of eastern Bolivia.
And they are all bat-shit crazy too.

In 2009, eight men from a Mennonite community where arrested in Bolivia and accused of raping at least 60 women in their farming settlement.
See, bat-shit crazy. Obviously the Mennonites aren’t all there, and do things that are against the law all the time. If I had my druthers, I’d rather the Mennonites steal a couple chickens as opposed to abusing children and gang banging women. But, hey, you know what they say – what happens in the Mennonite settlement stays in the Mennonite settlement.

No, it wasn't great detective work, it was bad food that led us here

Trail Of Corn Dogs Leads To Burglary Arrest

Stop. You know you’re reading that headline wondering if you read it right. What, were those cops dorkfish? Yep, we caught him following a corndog. We just said, what’s a corndog doing in the middle of the road? Boom, next thing you know, there he is.



IF reader does not understand reference, THEN 
Google Bill Engvall
ELSE 
continue reading
END IF


Blood, shattered glass and corn dogs led officers to a burglary suspect in Shawnee.
Was there a chalk outline pointing in his direction? Or a neon sign? Come on, there had to be more signs to find this guy because he was so good at hiding.
Let’s be honest here, it’s Shawnee, Okla., what else is there to do in Shawnee, Okla. but to knock off the Sonic for a midnight tot craving?

Police arrested Dakota Lasley, 18, on complaints of second-degree burglary and obstruction. He's accused of breaking into a Sonic Drive-In.
What kind of name is Dakota? That’s my friend’s giant dog’s name. Less popularly, it’s the name of a state. Two states, actually – both equally as boring as you’ve never really heard a whole lot about them before, have you? Exactly.

He’s accused of breaking into a Sonic Drive-In … have you been to a Sonic Drive-In? Number one, security isn’t exactly tight. Number two, do you know how long it takes to get anything out of there, even if it’s just a drink? He just wanted his food and figured he’d get it faster if he helped.

When officers arrived to investigate the Sonic break-in, they found a shattered glass door and a man inside the restaurant. The suspect was able to get away, but moments later, officers saw him running down the street. They followed him to a home two blocks south of the Sonic.
How big is the inside of a Sonic? How far can you go? Therefore, I must ask, how bad are the cops of Shawnee, Okla. that they couldn’t get this moron while he was still in the store. Unless they were pilfering food what standing there, looking around, “nope, well, he got away *munching sound of a tot* - guess we will get some Route 44 Cherry Limeades to keep us hydrated while we pursue the perp. Don’t forget an order of cheese sticks.”

The officers entered through an open door and found Lasley in a bedroom. He had fresh blood on his hands and fingers and shattered glass in the soles of his shoes, said officer Casey Vague.
Aw, they found him in a bedroom. Are you sure that was blood on his hands and fingers? It could have been ketchup or chili – those condiments are hardly a clean form of eating. Nothing like seeing broken glass and jumping to conclusions.

I want to know about the shoes. Hey, dude, let me take a look at that shoe. Yep, there’s glass it in. I just don’t see how this really works. If there were huge shards of glass sticking out of the shoes, he would have broken them off, or kept them to use as a weapon, to keep anyone from getting within his bubble to take his Sonic that he stole fair and square. But if it was little pieces, someone was going to have investigate to see, which would mean he would remove the shoes and who’s going to willingly do that. “Yeah, here, take a look at the bottom of my shoes to prove I did it.”

According to a police report, Lasley told officers he, "Could have blacked out from drinking and done something stupid."
This genius with the name Dakota (shouldn’t that have tipped you off?) told cops he could have blacked out from the drinking he was doing and as a result done something stupid. Ding, ding, ding, ding. I guarantee he didn’t decide to bust into the Sonic sober.

During the investigation, officers said they found a trail of food from the Sonic to the home where Lasley was arrested, including foot-long hotdogs, hotdog buns, chicken breasts and corn dogs.
Well, let me rephrase, he could have just been pissed off and broke in sober, but surely a sober man wouldn’t leave behind a trail of hot dogs and corn dogs for the cops to use in their search to find him. If he was high, however, there wouldn’t have been any food to cause a path on the ground, he would have ate it all. Damn those midnight munchies.

Car accident - $100K in damages, accident caused by a cat - priceless

Not the actual accident, but good nonetheless.

Ont. teen crashed car while texting, picking up cat: police

Okay, let's start with that headline - it's just awkward. I understand what they are getting at, but it should start with "Police:" instead of ending with it. It's awkward either way, to be honest, but the way it is now, if you just glance at it, it sort of makes it seem like she crashed a car while texting, picking up a cat and picking up police.

A 17-year-old woman police suspect of texting and trying to corral a pet while driving has been charged after an accident that caused more than $100,000 in damage this week.
Well, hey, so many of us never get the chance to take advantage of the crazy insurance rates we pay – she’s getting her money’s worth. Besides, let’s look on the bright side, her driving can only improve, right?

Police in Barrie, Ont. — about 90 kilometres north of Toronto — say the young woman was driving at a high rate of speed when she lost control of her vehicle Monday night. Police said the vehicle hit another car that was parked in a driveway, propelling it into a boat, which was pushed into a house and neighbour's car.
Is it just me, or are you dying to see a recreation of this accident? I know I’d love to see it. You know, come to think of it, that would make an awesome flip book. Someone who can draw stick figures over and over again in nearly the same positions – go! Hey, I’d settle for an animated gif. Go!

Police said it's believed the young driver was texting on a cellphone and attempting to pick up a cat that was in the car with her when the accident occurred.
Are we sure the cat wasn’t driving? I mean, did SNL in the 90s teach us nothing?



The driver was treated in hospital for minor injuries, police said.
Minor injuries, really? I’d like to know if the cat survived, to be honest. Why didn’t the cat get another mention? What’s up with the feline discrimination, anyway?

She has been charged with careless driving.
Really, that’s all? How about animal abuse (if that cat survived, you know it’s even more neurotic than it already was before)? Or dumbassery? Yes, only on my blog would I make up words like that. You’re welcome.

The (w)hole truth, to help you God

This is, oddly enough, the second blog I’ve written about a big hole in the last two months.  Who would have thunk? Both have their own share of stupid, though. 

Russian who buried himself alive dies by mistake

A Russian man has died after persuading a friend to bury him alive for a night, hoping it would bring him "good luck".
Was he aiming for luck? Or to be the Russian David Blaine? Because come on, dude, even David Blaine doesn’t want to be David Blaine.

Was his last sentence before descending into his hole, the Russian equivalent of, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

Grammar Nazi note: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Period INSIDE the quotes.

The victim dug a hole in a garden in the eastern city of Blagoveshchensk and climbed into an improvised coffin, with holes for air pipes, taking a mobile phone and a bottle of water with him.
An improvised coffin? The definition of improvise (well, one of them – the one that most likely pertains) is “to make from items readily available.” Umm, if you’re planning this, shouldn’t you actually buy appropriate materials? “Well, I got this old refrigerator box, some duct tape and some bendy straws just lying around the house. Yep, that’ll make me a lucky, lucky man.” What the hell, you moron?

It may not have really been a coffin to start, but it sure was to finish, wasn’t it? *rimshot*

His friend covered the coffin with earth and then left, after the buried man phoned to say he was fine.
He covered the coffin with earth? What else was he going to cover it with? Mars? More duct tape? Potatoes?

The next morning, he returned to find his friend dead, investigators said.
He didn’t just return, wouldn’t he have had to dig the “improvised coffin” up to find his dead friend? Seeing as how it was a coffin and he had to dig it up, does that mean he gets busted for exhuming a body?

The 35-year-old victim had believed that burying himself alive for a night would bring him luck the rest of his life.
I sure hope those last few hours of his life were lucky.

"According to his friend, the man wanted to test his endurance and insistently asked his friend to help him spend the night buried," said Alexei Lubinsky, a senior aide to the region's chief investigator.
According to everyone else in the world, they thought this was stupid.

"We know that the victim was a computer programmer and that he has a small child."
I’m not even going to say a computer programmer should be smarter than that because, well, I know a lot of computer programmers and whereas some are some of the smartest people I know, some are complete morons. Most lack the sense God gave a goose.

As far as the having a small child thing, where was the kid? Did the baby momma live with him? Why didn’t she talk him out of this idiotic idea? If he didn’t have someone living with him, why did he think it was a good idea to bury himself in the yard while the small child slept unattended? You won’t be lucky when (if) you make it out of your “improvised coffin,” you’re going to jail for child neglect. If the kid didn’t live with him, why the hell didn’t his friend talk him out of it? A true friend would either a) attempt to talk you out of it or b) do the stupid stunt with you. Either way, I bet he’d still be alive today.

The coffin was covered with soil to a depth of about 20cm (eight inches), Mr Lubinsky said. He speculated that heavy rainfall overnight could have blocked the air supply to the man trapped inside.
Alright, moron, you took a cell phone with you. We know you got reception down there because you called your friend to tell him you were okay and he left. So when you started having trouble breathing, or water started coming down your air pipes, or all of the above, why didn’t you call your friend to come get you out?

The superstitious victim was probably influenced by reading stories about self-burial on the internet, investigators said.
Or he was just really, really drunk (and/or stupid) and thought it was a good idea.

In a bizarre trend, numerous Russian bloggers write of undergoing supervised self-burial. State newspaper Rossiiskaya Gazeta has even run a feature on the practice.
Something bizarre coming out of Russia? No, I can’t believe it.

The BBC's Steve Rosenberg, in Moscow, says it is not the first time this has happened in Russia.
So you’d think this guy should have learned from the first guy’s mistake.

Last summer a man in the north-western Vologda region persuaded his friend to bury him in the ground - to help him overcome his fear of death.
He was found dead an hour and a half later, crushed by the weight of the earth.
Well, hey, on the upside, he got over his fear of death, didn’t he?

Pot, kids and violence - always a recipe for success

TPD: Mom beat kid for eating her pot

A Tampa mother is behind bars Monday after beating her one-year-old child for eating her marijuana.
They say marijuana is a gateway drug. Can you imagine what she’d do to that poor kid if he/she found something harder in there? It’s obviously a gateway to harder drugs and child abuse – not necessarily in that order.

Tampa Police say India Couch, 22, faces drug and felony child abuse charges.
You think?

Investigators say the child was left unsupervised, found the pot in her mother's purse, and ate an undisclosed amount of the drug.
How many parenting fails can we find in this single sentence?

1. The child was unsupervised. Never, ever leave a one-year-old unsupervised.
2. The kid found pot in momma’s purse. Never, ever leave your pot in a place where children (and cops, for that matter) will rifle through.
3. The kid ate the pot. Which means the kid has seen momma using it and knew it had to be ingested somehow. (Okay, that’s not really fair, one-year-olds stick everything in their mouths, however, you know the kid has seen momma toking. Don’t try to play it off like this was the first time the kid saw pot because you know it’s not true. Which means, the kid’s contact buzz probably ran out and he/she was just trying to continue the high.)
4. The mom didn’t know how much pot was in the bag, so she was unable to account for how much was missing after the kid ate it. Bad mom. Bad druggie. Bad. (Alright, I’ll be fair, it does say “undisclosed” and not “unknown.” But I prefer to read it as “unknown.” It’s more fun that way.)

That's when police say Couch beat the child with a sandal and then hit the one-year-old hard enough to leave welts.
Wait, how much time passed between the unsupervised one-year-old eating the pot and momma noticing it missing so she could beat the kid? Or did she catch the kid in the act? These are facts we need to know.

TPD also says this mother attacked her live-in partner with a dumbbell.
Was this a separate incident? Or after she was done beating the kid with a sandal, did she go after her live-in partner with a dumbbell screaming, “How could you let this happen? You were supposed to be watching the damn kid. Now we can’t get high tonight, asshole.”

If you don't get fired for pooping in someone's yard, what will you get fired for?

No, this isn't the guy, just a random picture I found.

Mail carrier who defecated in yard gets to keep job

I’ll wait a minute while you read that again.

Okay … ready?

A mail carrier who was caught using a yard as his personal toilet will not be fired.
I don’t know about you, but that seems like an anticlimactic lead. But, it is a follow-up story. But still, it could be so much more fun.

“Postal worker poo-poos the skeptics as he gets to keep his job after being caught defecating in a yard on his route last month.”

“A mail carrier caught defecating in a yard will not be fired. When questioned, he simply replied, ‘This job is the shit.’”

“A postal worker gets to keep his job as a mail carrier, instead of getting stuck sitting on a stool at the post office, after he was caught defecating in a yard last month.”

“When you gotta go, you gotta go … and postal worker who went gets to keep his job.”

Alright … enough of that.

The incident happened last month at a home in southeast Portland and a neighbor, Don Derfler, captured the man in the act with his camera.
Honestly, knowing society and the way it is, I’m more shocked that the mail carrier didn’t accuse Don Derfler of voyeurism or invasion of privacy for this.

Derfler had been waiting for his babysitter when he saw his mailman acting odd at his neighbor's house across the street. The postal worker then pulled down his pants and that's when Derfler began snapping pictures.
Grammar Nazi note: I’m going to stop with the “had” stuff because, well, apparently it’s never going to stop. I find myself saying it now. ARGH. It could have just as easily worked as “Derfler was waiting for his babysitter…”

Grammar Nazi note II: Derfler was waiting for his babysitter? Or the babysitter for his kid(s)? Might want to word that better next time.

I have to admit, whereas going to get my camera may not have been first on my list of things to do, I probably would have at least whipped out the cell phone, snapped a pic using that grainy-ass shitty (pun intended) camera and then texting Meredith to say, “Did I see what I think I just saw?”
 

Yeah, you know I couldn't resist...

"We trust people like the postal service and meter readers and people of that nature," Derfler told us when we interviewed him in April. "To come on to our property and to defecate - it's just wrong."We trust people like that? I don’t know about you, dude, but I don’t trust anyone. Not after my stuff was stolen from me while I was not even 20 feet away. I’m just saying. Maybe the problem here is that you’re too trusting.

Besides, perhaps the owner of the house should thank the mail carrier for the free fertilizer. You’re just jealous you didn’t get any, aren’t you?

The incident was an embarrassment to the post office and the worker was immediately placed on unpaid leave. Now, a decision has been made to keep the worker but he will be transferred to a different route.
Honestly, that’s embarrassing to the post office? Like this government agency doesn’t have enough to be embarrassed about? How about things taking three weeks to get places when it should have taken all of three days? That’s embarrassing. A guy having to go while working – hey, we all have to do that.

He probably was given a shit route (hehehe) as punishment. You know, like in the ghetto or something. If he’s a veteran, he can’t be fired which is why he’s able to keep his job.  (Okay, maybe this is a terminable offense, but I seriously doubt there’s anything in the postal service handbook. There will be now, though.)

A spokesperson said the administrative action was taken based on a postal service investigation but he did not elaborate. He also did not say which route the mail carrier has been assigned to cover.
I am sure the reason he got to keep the job is because the head of the committee that was reviewing this case really had to go, so he wanted to get it over with so he could go.

Yeah, there's an app for that

David Pogue Allegedly Hits Wife With iPhone
If you’re like me, you’re asking, “who the hell is David Pogue?” Well … good thing for you, I did the extremely arduous (hehehe) task of looking him up on Wiki, and he’s a writer for NYT. Still don’t know if that makes him worthy enough of a headline with his name in it or not, though.
 
There is definitely not an app for allegedly bonking your soon-to-be ex-wife in the head with your iPhone.
You sure? Quick, to the Android Market, bet there’s one for Android. What more do you people want to prove Android is superior?

Annnnnd, just for fun, since I brought up the Android vs. iPhone thing, here’s the video. You know you’ve seen it before, but you know you want to watch it again. Because “now I’m dead, my cat is now homeless.” (Just for you, Jasmine.)



And the story only gets stranger from there.
We can only hope so.

Both New York Time technology columnist David Pogue and his wife, Jennifer Pogue, have been charged with disorderly conduct following a "boisterous argument," according to Jennifer Pogue's attorney.
Are you sure it was an argument and not just foreplay?

Wouldn’t a technology columnist know better than to use his iPhone as a weapon? That shit’s expensive. Of course, he probably didn’t pay for it, what’s he care? So long as Steve Jobs sends him a new one, iPhone5 will get a good review in NYT. I can see it now: “iPhone5 is not only faster, but more rugged and will definitely leave a mark when you smack your bitch around, so be careful where you leave your marks, guys.”

The fight between the Pogues began this past Monday, when Jennifer Pogue visited the family's Westport, Connecticut home on a night that Pogue claims was his for visitation rights. The Pogues, parents of three, are currently going through divorce proceedings. As a result, they've established a custody arrangement for their children and currently live in separate locations. Jennifer Pogue was allegedly returning from vacation and looking to pick up her three children at the house.
Elitist reporter note: This paragraph is nothing more than an editing fail. I can’t even begin to count the number of offenses. Just know it’s bad.

An argument allegedly began between the two, and Jennifer Pogue pulled out her iPhone to record the proceedings. David Pogue allegedly began struggling with Jennifer Pogue for the device and, when he wouldn't let go, David Pogue says that Jennifer Pogue bit him on the arm.
She bit you? I ask again, are you sure this wasn’t foreplay?

New York is one of 38 states in which conversations can be recorded so long as one person knows it is being taped. So, this is where we have to blame Jennifer for not being more smooth about it. Had you just managed to play it off like you were checking your texts or whatever, you may never have been in this situation.

Honestly, how many women can successfully play “keep away” with something against a man (besides sex) and win? The only woman I know who can do that is my friend Jason’s sister and that’s because she’s over six feet tall.

According to Jennifer Pogue, David Pogue followed her into one of the family's bedrooms and jumped on top of her and hit her on the head with the iPhone.
Okay, wait, dude, you have her phone in your hand, so you still chase her down and beat her with her own phone? What the hell? Why didn’t you just take the phone and run? Idiot.

Police, after being summoned to the scene, did not take the iPhone for evidence in the case. However, Westport police captain Sam Arciola said that the recording does, "[substanciate] some of the claims," according a report by the Stamford Advocate.
Grammar Nazi note: Am I the only one who is worried that the cops can’t spell substantiate correctly? (Yes, the fact it’s in brackets proves it’s an actual misspelling from the report and not the author of the article.)

Furthermore, they didn’t take the iPhone for evidence? Wow, the cops in Westport blow like the one I dealt with who knows who stole my stuff but still hasn’t talked to her – just her grandma. You lazy bum.

It's unclear which side of the story—if not both—is corroborated by the iPhone's video. However, David Pogue and Jennifer Pogue showed injuries of the alleged assaults: David Pogue had a bite mark present on his arm and Jennifer Pogue had marks on her head, according to Arciola.
The report doesn’t say? So the cops can’t spell substantiate or identify which side of the story is corroborated? Damn, they really do suck.

Both Pogues appeared in Norwalk Superior Court the day after the squabble. Both received protective orders prohibiting each from assaulting, harassing, or stalking the other, and the case was continued to June 22.
Do they really need protective orders? Aren’t there laws against assaulting, harassing and/or stalking people?

"Obviously divorces can get emotional and we expect David to be cleared of this charge in due time," said David Pogue's lawyer, Mark Sherman.
Because his lawyer’s really going to say otherwise. “Uh, yeah, the bitch deserved to get much worse.”

Ewwwwwwwwww

Before you read any farther, before you see what wonderful nugget of “culture” I have decided to put my spin on, please know you must put up your cringe-guard. This is beyond cringe-worthy, but I couldn’t not write about it. There’s a very real possibility this story is fake, and I certainly hope it is.

That being said ... you have been warned. 

You will probably need a very long, hot shower after reading this. I know I do after writing it.



Father and daughter in sexual relationship go on TV

It was too disturbed even for Jerry Springer.
You know it’s got to be bad. 

So when the show rejected an 18-year-old girl who was having a sexual relationship with her father, there was only one person they could turn to - Steve Wilkos.
Come on, Maury Povich probably wouldn’t turn it down. Considering Wilkos is an offshoot, red-headed step-child of Jerry Springer (come on, he used to be Springer’s security, for crying out loud) are you surprised he took it?

Grammar Nazi note: Wouldn’t it be less awkward to phrase it this way: “to whom they could turn – Steve Wilkos?”

Recently the show aired a two-part story about a father - Morgan - and his biological daughter Britney, who reconnected through Myspace when she was 16 and started to have a relationship.
Aww, that’s nice, they had a relationship. It’s so nice that the internet helped this family get back together. Now maybe she’ll always have that daddy-daughter bond she always wanted, so she could be like the rest of the little girls in school.

Or. Not.

Britney explained to Steve Wilkos: 'I was 16 when I looked for him on Myspace. My family members had kept us apart and I hadn't seen him since I was seven so I looked him up.
You know, I’ve got to ask, perhaps, maybe there was a reason your family thought it was best to keep you apart?

Grammar Nazi note: GRRRRR. “My family members kept us apart,” not “had kept” … I HATE THAT SHIT.

'On my page I had pictures of my boobs and bum on there and when he saw it he said, "My little baby girl should not be doing that". But then he put a smiley face.
You were 16 and had pictures of your “boobs and bum” on Myspace? You were just asking for trouble.

As far as your dad, getting the smiley face after “My little baby girl should not be doing that,” should have tipped you off that he’s a sick, sick man and maybe you’re better off without him in your life.

Grammar Nazi note: Punctuation INSIDE the quotation marks. Always. Always. Always. Always.
 
'When I saw that I thought he had sexual feelings for me.'
But no, you interpreted it as far off in left field as humanly possible. Perhaps that’s how he meant it – in fact, it probably is – but ewww. Ewwwww. Ewwww. Ewwwww.

Now, I’ll throw it out there, I’ve heard of similar stories in the past. My former step-mother (for the sake of ease, we’ll refer to her as “Bitch”) had an issue with her first husband (allegedly) that his 13-year-old daughter from his first marriage came to live with them. All was well until Bitch came home one day and (allegedly) caught her husband in bed with said 13-year-old daughter. Ewwww. Ewwww. Ewwwww. Now, you can’t really trust much that ever came out of Bitch’s mouth, but this was the reason for which she didn’t like me being around my dad while they were married. Might I just say, ewwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwww. She went so far as to make sure I always wore floor-length nightgowns, because, apparently, otherwise she thought I might be too much of a temptation to him. Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwww. Riiiiiiight. My dad was a lot of things, but he was not that sick. Nor would my mother have let him survive if something like that happened.

I digress…

Wilkos asked her if she did not think that he was taking advantage of her and she said: 'No, because I wanted it too. I see a future with him. I have a really good feeling about us and I know it will work out.'
He’s not taking advantage of you because you want it too??? Really? Here’s a shock, sweetheart, it’s ILLEGAL. In every sense of the word, it’s taking advantage of you because it is not allowed.
You see a future with him? Did I really read that right? You know it will work out? Do you realize you share half of this man’s DNA? Perhaps you got along because you’re related, not sexually compatible.

When her heavily-tattooed father Morgan came on, he was booed by the audience, but it did not stop him from greeting his girlfriend and daughter with a long, passionate French kiss, one in which Wilkos had to stop before it got too far.
O.M.G.

Ewwwww. Ewwwwww. Ewwwwww. Ewwwwww.

(BTW, if you want clips, go to the original link. I can’t bring myself to watch them, let alone post them. Reading about this is bad enough. But if you can mentally scrub your brain enough, be my guest to go check them out.)

He told Morgan that he 'should probably go and see a doctor and get some therapy, preying on your daughter like that'.
Good job, Steve. Maybe there is hope for you after all.

He replied: 'I'm not preying on her, yes I'm sleeping with her but it's not like I'm abusing her or something.'
You are abusing her. She is mentally disturbed to think this is okay. You are mentally disturbed to think this is okay. You are preying on her. You are abusing her and you both need help. And you need to be castrated or something.

Morgan said he did not see a problem with what he was doing and said that when he looked at his daughter all he could see was his soul mate.
W.T.F. Your soul mate? I don’t believe in that hokey, lovey-dovey, “someone’s meant to be for me out there somewhere,” bullshit – but even if I did, the fact your own daughter is that someone is nasty. Could she be your best friend? Sure. Soul mate? Nope. That’s just ewwww. Ewwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwww.

Though he did reveal he would not cross the line when it came to having babies, in case the child would be 'retarded'.
Wait, wait, wait. You will sleep with your daughter, but you won’t have kids with her because you fear they might be “retarded.” That’s your only problem with it??? Are you fucking serious? You mean it wouldn’t be the least bit creepy to you to father your own grandchildren? To have more DNA in common with them than your own daughter? But rather because you fear they might be retarded.

Wow. Just, wow.

In the introductory piece to the segment, Wilkos said that he wanted to make sure that the story was legitimate before taking it on and had asked for proof, which sources say came in the form of a video showing the couple having sex.
Kudos to Wilkos for wanting proof. But really, that’s the best they could come up with as far as proof? The show accepted it? I’m quite surprised they didn’t air it, to be honest. (No, wait, coming soon to an XXX shop near you – “Daddy Dearest,” the latest fetish DVD.)

On part two of the show, which was aired 36 days later, Britney had returned, worried that she was pregnant despite the fact she said she was on birth control pills.
Oh noes!

She told Wilkos she was two months behind on her period. But when he questioned her further, she revealed she wanted to get pregnant on purpose, telling him that she believed there was 'no scientific proof it would come out all weird'.
Where do I start with this?

You’re behind – take a pregnancy test, sweetheart. It’s not that hard.Ohhh, or stay on the pill, genius. OR, here's one - DON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR DADDY!

There’s no scientific proof, really? How about this? Or this – which is a study from West Virginia University – and if anyone knows about inbreeding, it’s people in West Virginia!

Did I mention, ewwww? Ewwwwww. Ewwwwww. Ewwwwww.
When her dad was brought on the show, the 18-year-old admitted that she wanted to get pregnant, shouting at him: 'I'm 18 years old, I want seven kids!'
Okay, what does you being 18 have to do with a litter of children?

Another reason they appeared on the show was because Britney was afraid that her father was cheating on her.
A lie detector test showed that he was.
Oh noes.

The nerve of some people. I mean, to cheat on your daughter like that! (Excuse me, while I go throw up after writing that.)

Though Morgan denied it, the 18-year-old screamed at him and asked him how he could do it, before figuring out he was carrying out the affair while she was at school.
Okay, here’s a hint (regardless of incestuous relationship or not): If you can get away with banging someone else because your significant other is IN SCHOOL, then maybe you should rethink the situation, and get some help.

At the end of the show, Wilkos gave Britney the opportunity to leave her father and go and get professional help with the abuse she had suffered her whole life.
Take it Britney, take it. You have your whole life ahead of you. Go get help, go find a normal guy, live your life.

But instead she took her father's hand and vowed to stand by him.
But instead she took her father’s hand, and an entire television audience hurled in unison.

Ewwww. Ewwww. Ewwwww. Ewwwww.

Skateboards, shotguns and pepper spray - oh my!

Maryland Man Shoots Shotgun at Group of Skateboarders; 15-Year-Old Struck in Leg 

SOLOMONS, Md. - The Calvert County Sheriff's Office have arrested a 66-year-old Solomons, Md., man for firing a shotgun at a group of teenage skateboarders Monday evening.
Don’t arrest him. You need to be vewwy, vewwy, quiet … he’s hunting punk-ass teenagers.

A 15-year-old boy was struck above his right knee with a single gunshot fired by Charles Joseph Arminger, according to Lt. Steven Jones of the Calvert County Sheriff’s Office.
Apparently Charles Joseph Arminger is a bad shot. When you hunt, you shoot to kill, man.

Elitist reporter note: Does anyone else find the repetition of “Calvert County Sherriff’s Office” in the two introductory paragraphs (which are only a sentence long apiece) a bit irritating? It could have been avoided in order to flow better. But who wants flow when you want to give the Calvert County Sherriff’s Office in Solomons, Md. a shout-out or two?

"A civilian took matters into his own hands and a tragedy occurred," said Lt. Jones.
Well, yes, and if it weren’t for those damn skateboards, he would have gotten away with it too! I mean, do you know how hard it is to shoot to kill a moving target?

Grammar Nazi note: I had to look up the meaning of the word “tragedy” because I found it a little strong given what happened. One of the definitions is “a shocking or sad event; disaster,” so I guess it could apply. But I think Lt. Jones of the Calvert County Sherriff’s Office needs a lesson in connotation/denotation. Just saying.

Arminger told Sheriff's Office investigators that he had encountered problems in the past with a group of juvenile skateboarders at the Solomons Landing Condominiums' property.
What kind of problems? Just because you don’t like them there does not mean they are necessarily a problem. We need more information here. Is the Solomons Landing Condominium community an old-folks condo community? If so, then yes, the teenagers being there could be a problem. If they live there too, then, hey, old man, they gotta have a place to skateboard. You need targets for shooting practice. It’s actually a win-win, as opposed to a nuisance.

Grammar Nazi note: Does Sherriff’s Office need to be capitalized here? I don’t think so. It’s just a general statement, so I would think “sheriff’s office investigators” would work just fine. Then again, perhaps the author intended to write “Calvert County Sherriff’s Office investigators,” in which yes, the capitalization would be necessary. Represent!

He told police that he saw seven or eight teens on their skateboards using profanity and attempted to intervene. He said one of the teens called him a profane name, so he pepper-sprayed them.
What does profanity have to do with the skateboard? Does the skateboard make them profane? Wow, I didn’t know that.

What did he do to the kid to warrant being called a profane name? Perhaps it was justified. I mean, I’ve encountered people who completely and utterly deserved the term “asshole” I threw in their direction. (In fact, my dad even had it painted under the handle on the driver’s side door of his old El Camino.)

Arminger went back to his home and retrieved his shotgun. He said he intended to fire the shot to scare the juveniles, but struck the 15-year-old.
So, pepper spray didn’t work – I’m sure you got called all kinds of fun names after that incident, so of course the next logical step is to get your gun. After all, you can’t hunt with pepper spray!

He intended to fire the shot to scare them, but hit one instead. Uhh, there are so many ways to do that without hitting someone. He aimed the gun in their general direction and pulled the trigger. He intended to do it whether he said he did or not.

I think the real crime here is that he didn’t have a permit to hunt punk-ass teenagers on skateboards.

And – just for fun, found this from a follow-up story:
Scott Burroughs Sr. said his son Scotty is in the hospital with a titanium rod that extends from his hip to his knee.
"I could have lost my 15-year-old son because he was skateboarding," Burroughs said.
Overdramatic, much? I mean, unless you put him in a bubble, you could lose him letting him do just about anything. He could do something stupid on his skateboard and break his neck. He could get hit by a car walking across the parking lot to call the old man names. He could be involved in a bus crash on the way to school. He could be the victim of a school shooting. He could contract a flesh-eating virus. I mean, honestly, what an idiotic thing to say.