Saturday, July 30, 2011

I can't drive 55 - but this 8-year-old can

Drunk father lets 8-year-old son drive pickup: police

Let’s discuss the headline. First, I always hated the whole “Police:” bit when before a headline, but in the newspaper world, you do work with limited space, so I understand why it’s done, even if I can’t stand it. But this IS THE INTERNET! You have all the space in the world (well, as much as your server can handle). What the hell, Reuters?

Second, why isn’t the “police” attribution at the beginning? I mean, it sort of reads like the dad let the kid drive his pickup and the police. Well, good job kid.

Reuters, you blow. No wonder most people go to the AP for their news.

A drunk father allegedly allowed his 8 year-old son to drive his pick-up truck on a southeast Louisiana highway on Saturday while he slept, until patrol officers pulled over the boy, police said.
Grammar Nazi note: This sentence reads funny. It just does. I mean, I get what it’s saying, but honestly, it just could have been worded about 1,000 different ways that would have been easier to read.

So, this does beg the question, if the 8-year-old knew what to do when the blue lights came on, you have to question how often he’d seen his dad get pulled over, or his dad’s let him watch Supertroopers way too many times.

Of course, you know you wanted the cop to walk up to the car and ask, “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You’re 8-years-old, that’s why. You’re grounded.”
“You’re not my daddy.”
“Somebody should be.”

The boy was driving the Chevrolet truck on Interstate 12 near the town of Holden, with his father in the passenger seat and his 4 year-old sister in the back seat, Louisiana State Police said in a statement.
Grammar Nazi note: Again, this could have been worded so many different ways that would have been better.

So, here’s the conundrum – which is more dangerous? Drinking and driving or letting your 8-year-old drive? I guess with all of the kid's experience behind the wheel of a Little Tikes car and a Power Wheels Jeep, daddy figured he had plenty of on-the-road experience.

And wait a second, where was he able to get drunk with an 8-year-old and a 4-year-old in tow? Wow, some bartender blows ass. Or he’s got some equally dumbass friends.

A passing motorist noticed the pick-up truck was being driven erratically and called police.
When Louisiana state troopers pulled over the truck in Livingston Parish, they found the 8 year-old boy behind the wheel and interviewed the father, 28 year-old Billy Joe Madden of Hattiesburg, Mississippi, police said.

Jesus Reuters, my head is about to explode. Please, please, please, give me a high-paying editing job because whoever you’ve got writing/editing this stuff sucks. Badly.

Alright, so obviously they found him behind the wheel, I mean, we gathered that from the previous two paragraphs. I mean, I know the bit – tell them what you want to tell them, then tell them again, but come on, how stupid do you think we are?

I should hope they interviewed the father. I should hope they freaking beat the crap out of the father. Someone, quick, give that kid a breathalyzer because dumbass daddy might have given him a beer too.

Police said they determined Madden was drunk and that he had been sleeping while his son drove the vehicle, en-route to Dallas, Texas.
Okay, okay, okay – how did they determine it? Field sobriety test? Breathalyzer? Smelled his breath? Lucky guess?

Alright, now, I admit I had to look this up, but Dallas is almost a 500-mile trip from Livingston Parish. I learned how to read basic maps when I was this kid’s age, but I had no idea how to navigate the interstates. Shoot, I’m *ahem, cough, cough* years-old and I still have trouble navigating the interstates sometimes. This kid must be a genius.

Wait, no, with a daddy like that, highly unlikely. Just saying.

Madden was arrested and booked into jail on two counts of child desertion, parent allowing a minor to drive, open container and two counts of no child restraint and no seatbelt.
How is child desertion if he had them with him? I guess cause he was asleep that counts as desertion? I mean, I agree that this guy deserves to have every charge against him filed, but I don’t see how that one works.

Parent allowing a minor to drive, that’s really a charge? You learn something new every day. And if it wasn’t before, it is now.

Open container. Reference my comment about the kid earlier. Are you sure that was daddy’s open container?

No child restraint – oh come on, those booster seats are a bitch to install on the driver’s side. You can’t really expect the kid to drive effectively while in a booster seat, can you?

No seat belt – for him? Well come on, now, you know as well as I do you can’t sleep very well with a seat belt on. It makes it impossible to curl up in the fetal position and suck your thumb while you sleep. Duh.

Madden remains in jail at Livingston Parish Detention Center in lieu of $1,474 bail, said sheriff's deputy Dustin Sanders at the facility.
He couldn’t make $1474 in bail money? Really? I mean, with a bail bondsman, it’s only $147 dollars. Come on dude, do you really suck that bad? Do you have no friends?

Both of Madden's children were turned over to child welfare authorities and were awaiting the arrival of a family member who could take custody of them, police said.
You freakin’ think? Where’s momma in all this? Oh, I bet she probably died in a car accident when the kid was 6-years-old, as he drove her home from an AA meeting.

No comments:

Post a Comment