Breast milk, it does a body good

Breastmilk sprayer sentenced for assault

Fantastic headline, isn’t it? You’re intrigued. Alas, you may be disappointed, I know I was.

Stephanie Robinette, 30, was given two years probation, a $200 fine and has been ordered to take anger management classes at a hearing in Delaware, Ohio, yesterday.

Grammar Nazi note: Wouldn’t it be “two years’ probation” – you know, possessive, like her ass is owned by those two years?

A $200 fine? That’s it? She has two years’ probation and all she has to pay is $200?

Anger management classes … with Charlie Sheen or Jack Nicholson?  This can’t be good.

The 30-year-old was arrested in June after she had a fight with her husband at a wedding reception in Powell, assaulting him and locking herself in their car. 
Okay, she was arrested because she got in a fight with her husband? Come on, that’s no fun. If we get arrested for getting in fights with our significant other now, what are they going to do next, arrest us for breathing?

Okay, okay, she assaulted him. Of course, I would like to know how and with what she assaulted him. I mean, did she just smack him? Did she beat the crap out of him with a baseball bat? I really think we need to know the details here.

Police arrived about 1am and tried to make her leave the car, but in an attempt to keep them away, Robinette "pulled out one of her breasts and started literally milking it, then spraying breast milk towards the officers," Delaware County Sheriff Walter Davis III said in June. 
AP style alert: It should be “1 a.m.” Always use the periods. Silly writers and editors.

Okay, what’s wrong with this thought process: to keep the scary policemen away, I’m going to whip out my boob. Men like boobs. Men are attracted to them. Don’t whip it out unless it hangs down to your knee and no longer resembles a boob.

Now, here’s the thing, if she’s able to milk her boob, she must still be breastfeeding (and if she was able to spray it any sort of distance, she must have been engorged beyond all hell), where is the mention of her child at this point? Any story like this always has the heart-wrenching moment where you feel sorry for the kid because his/her mom is a giant screw-up.

Surveillance footage shows Robinette becoming increasingly violent and verbally abusive as she is pulled from the car.

Whoa, I find this hard to believe. I mean, she was ordered to anger management classes, and she got violent with the cops. No way.

When told the arrest was being captured on video, she yells: "Record it all! Record it all!"

I love it. It’s like Cops, all redneck-style. In Ohio, not even Mississippi or Alabama, to boot. Of course she wanted it recorded, she’s hoping some porn director will come looking for her later. This could be her big break, you know.

During the hearing, her husband told the court his wife needed to get help.

Really, jackass, you wait until now to inform someone she needs help? Why didn’t you tell her this before? Or was this incident really your first indication that she had an issue? You just want to look like a victim here – but the fact is, either a) you caused her violence or her issues because you’re a douche, or b) you refuse to help her because you’re a selfish twit who won’t look out for the well-being of his wife and child, or c) all of the above.  

Why didn’t someone check her for post-partum depression? I mean, it’s a legit thing, she’s obviously post-partum (unless she’s one of those freaks who breast-feeds her kid till he/she is like five-years-old, but I find that highly unlikely in this situation), and she obviously has issues. I’m not saying this is the case. I’m not saying that it even excuses spraying cops with breast milk. I’m just saying, perhaps she needs some real help.


But perhaps she’s just whacked.

"I don't know that alcohol is my wife's problem. I'm no doctor so the doctors will have to determine that."

Thank you, Captain Obvious. You’re obviously not a doctor. Otherwise you probably would have prescribed her anti-depressants or something long ago. If you were a rational human being who gave a damn about his wife, you might have tried to force her to get help long ago.

**Warning, therapy content** Alcohol is NOT your wife’s problem. It is a symptom of the problem. Something causes her to want to drink. You need to help her find the source of the problem (I’m betting it’s you!) so she’ll stop drinking. **end therapy content**

Elitist reporter note: This is the FIRST mention of alcohol. There was no mention of her being drunk when all this went down. It’s a logical assumption, absolutely, but the way the story is written, she sounds like she’s nuts and this ending quote just comes out of left field. That’s shoddy writing.