The (w)hole truth, to help you God

This is, oddly enough, the second blog I’ve written about a big hole in the last two months.  Who would have thunk? Both have their own share of stupid, though. 

Russian who buried himself alive dies by mistake

A Russian man has died after persuading a friend to bury him alive for a night, hoping it would bring him "good luck".
Was he aiming for luck? Or to be the Russian David Blaine? Because come on, dude, even David Blaine doesn’t want to be David Blaine.

Was his last sentence before descending into his hole, the Russian equivalent of, “Hey y’all, watch this!”

Grammar Nazi note: I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Period INSIDE the quotes.

The victim dug a hole in a garden in the eastern city of Blagoveshchensk and climbed into an improvised coffin, with holes for air pipes, taking a mobile phone and a bottle of water with him.
An improvised coffin? The definition of improvise (well, one of them – the one that most likely pertains) is “to make from items readily available.” Umm, if you’re planning this, shouldn’t you actually buy appropriate materials? “Well, I got this old refrigerator box, some duct tape and some bendy straws just lying around the house. Yep, that’ll make me a lucky, lucky man.” What the hell, you moron?

It may not have really been a coffin to start, but it sure was to finish, wasn’t it? *rimshot*

His friend covered the coffin with earth and then left, after the buried man phoned to say he was fine.
He covered the coffin with earth? What else was he going to cover it with? Mars? More duct tape? Potatoes?

The next morning, he returned to find his friend dead, investigators said.
He didn’t just return, wouldn’t he have had to dig the “improvised coffin” up to find his dead friend? Seeing as how it was a coffin and he had to dig it up, does that mean he gets busted for exhuming a body?

The 35-year-old victim had believed that burying himself alive for a night would bring him luck the rest of his life.
I sure hope those last few hours of his life were lucky.

"According to his friend, the man wanted to test his endurance and insistently asked his friend to help him spend the night buried," said Alexei Lubinsky, a senior aide to the region's chief investigator.
According to everyone else in the world, they thought this was stupid.

"We know that the victim was a computer programmer and that he has a small child."
I’m not even going to say a computer programmer should be smarter than that because, well, I know a lot of computer programmers and whereas some are some of the smartest people I know, some are complete morons. Most lack the sense God gave a goose.

As far as the having a small child thing, where was the kid? Did the baby momma live with him? Why didn’t she talk him out of this idiotic idea? If he didn’t have someone living with him, why did he think it was a good idea to bury himself in the yard while the small child slept unattended? You won’t be lucky when (if) you make it out of your “improvised coffin,” you’re going to jail for child neglect. If the kid didn’t live with him, why the hell didn’t his friend talk him out of it? A true friend would either a) attempt to talk you out of it or b) do the stupid stunt with you. Either way, I bet he’d still be alive today.

The coffin was covered with soil to a depth of about 20cm (eight inches), Mr Lubinsky said. He speculated that heavy rainfall overnight could have blocked the air supply to the man trapped inside.
Alright, moron, you took a cell phone with you. We know you got reception down there because you called your friend to tell him you were okay and he left. So when you started having trouble breathing, or water started coming down your air pipes, or all of the above, why didn’t you call your friend to come get you out?

The superstitious victim was probably influenced by reading stories about self-burial on the internet, investigators said.
Or he was just really, really drunk (and/or stupid) and thought it was a good idea.

In a bizarre trend, numerous Russian bloggers write of undergoing supervised self-burial. State newspaper Rossiiskaya Gazeta has even run a feature on the practice.
Something bizarre coming out of Russia? No, I can’t believe it.

The BBC's Steve Rosenberg, in Moscow, says it is not the first time this has happened in Russia.
So you’d think this guy should have learned from the first guy’s mistake.

Last summer a man in the north-western Vologda region persuaded his friend to bury him in the ground - to help him overcome his fear of death.
He was found dead an hour and a half later, crushed by the weight of the earth.
Well, hey, on the upside, he got over his fear of death, didn’t he?