A child on a school outing was attacked by a leopard at a Wichita, Kansas, zoo, authorities said Friday.
Can you imagine the conversation that night over the dinner table?
“So, sweetheart, how was your field trip to the zoo? Did you see anything cool?”
“I saw lions, tigers, and a kid get mauled by a leopard. It was awesome.”
The boy, a student from Linwood Elementary, was with classmates on a field trip at the Sedgwick County Zoo when, around 1:15 p.m., witnesses said, he "went over a railing" and approached the Amur leopard exhibit, said Lt. Jay McLaurian of the county sheriff's department.
First of all, that sentence is just freakin’ awful. I seriously think I’m going to go into convulsions after reading that – it’s the written equivalent of a strobe light.
Second … “went over a railing.” That just leads to way too many questions. Did he think it was a good idea to go over it willingly? Was he pushed? Was he leaning too far and just fell?
Then again, you know, perhaps he said, “Hey y’all, watch this,” right beforehand. It would be fitting.
The leopard was able to reach into the mesh covering of its enclosure and grab the boy by his head, McLaurian said.
Chomp!
I love the phrasing here (read: hate) – the leopard was able to … um, no dumbass, the leopard was not only able to, the leopard did.
The child was rescued by bystanders who rushed in and "beat the animal" away from the boy, officials said. According to McLaurian, the boy received injuries to his face and neck and was taken to a hospital for treatment.
Beat the animal away from the boy? Really? Was it like an angry mob with sticks? Umm, hello, did any of you think that, possibly, maybe, if you pissed that leopard off that you might be next?
He is expected to "be OK," McLaurian said.
What awkward sentence structure. I mean, to put quotes around just “be OK.” But how reassuring that he is expected to be OK, I mean, wouldn’t it suck to be like, “Well, yeah, we got him there, but we don’t expect him to make it through the night.”
The boy, who is 7 years old, was in fair condition Friday afternoon at Via Christi Hospital on St. Francis in Wichita, CNN affiliate KWCH said.
Just fair? He’s expected to be OK but he’s only in fair condition? I would have expected good or stable or something. To me, fair is one step above critical or serious. Well, you know, it is Kansas, what do they know there other than wheat farming?
Students from several Sedgwick County schools were at the zoo on Friday and witnessed the attack, and the school district immediately took steps to notify parents, according to Susan Arensman, spokeswoman for Wichita Schools.
What involved notifying parents? Sending home a letter?
“Dear parents:
Today, while your child was on a field trip to the local zoo, your child may have witnessed various wild animals and an incident of ‘When Animals Attack.’ Be prepared for awkward dinner conversation and possible nightmares. Rest assured, though, the child attacked by a wild animal is in the hospital, in fair condition, and is expected to be OK. No harm, no foul.
Sincerely,
The Wichita City Public School System"
"One of our first-graders was injured by one of the animals," a letter that was sent home to parents whose children attended the same school as the victim read.
Oh, man, that sort of takes the fun out of the previous smart-assed comment. Dammit.
A similar letter was also sent home to parents from other Wichita schools.
Oh, yay, trees killed mercilessly. And how much you want to bet the letter wasn’t even read by 95 percent of the parents. God knows I hardly ever gave papers to my parents unless, of course, their being signed was part of my homework credit or something. Ever the over-achiever, I would always make sure I did that. Yep, loser, I know.
Shortly after the attack, school officials assembled a crisis team to help the students process what happened, and assure them that the victim would be OK, said Arensman.
A crisis team, really?
"Counselors will also be available on Monday to offer additional help to students," Arensman said.
Counselors. Honestly? Is this really necessary?
“I just can’t concentrate on my math. Every time I look at those numbers, I think of Jimmy – he loved math – and I see his head as a snack for that giant cat. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do math again.”
The zoo was evacuated for a short time after the attack but remained opened after the incident, officials said.
Evacuated? Because a leopard noshed on a kid’s head THROUGH some netting? First of all, the leopard got the snack it so desperately wanted, so I’m sure it wasn’t really a threat with a full belly. In fact, it probably just wanted a nap after that. Second, it’s not like it was free-range, running through the zoo. The story gave no indication it ate through the mesh surrounding it, so I doubt it was a threat to anyone.
Amur leopards, which are listed as an endangered species, can grow to 4 to 6½ feet long and weigh anywhere from 60 to 150 pounds, the zoo's website says. They are native to Far Eastern Russia and northern China.
Wait, they are an endangered species – isn’t beating an animal on the endangered species list a crime? Uh oh, look out – you guys may have saved that kid, but committed a crime in the process. Last I knew, seven-year-olds were not an endangered species … I’m just saying. (Okay, it was a joke, relax.)
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