Just in time to mark the 7,000th anniversary of the flood – or is it Noah’s ability to build an ark? – we are going to have a giant party! The Rapture! Oh joy!
Now, look, let’s throw this out there – I went to church growing up, I have my beliefs and I consider myself a Christian. I am not a regular-my ass-sized-groove-in-the-pew-type going person. But I also believe that you can have faith without hauling yourself out of bed super-early on a Sunday morning. When your three-year-old demands waffles for breakfast – that sermon’s going to be preached with or without you there, and you best make with the waffles because you don’t want to endure that wrath.
*warning: religious content*
Here’s my mentality on it, based on what I learned in church. The Bible does not give a date. Jesus even said he didn’t know when it will be. Therefore we will not/cannot know.
*end religious content*
So I find it hard to believe some random dude running a radio station does. He just has money and the ability to broadcast his psychoticness.
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| Just saying... |
However, NPR was nice enough to publish an article, and Julie was nice enough to share… the article itself is long, so I picked some of the high points (read, a close-up of each nutjob featured in the story).
On May 21, "starting in the Pacific Rim at around the 6 p.m. local time hour, in each time zone, there will be a great earthquake, such as has never been in the history of the Earth," he says. The true Christian believers — he hopes he's one of them — will be "raptured": They'll fly upward to heaven. And for the rest?
"It's just the horror of horror stories," he says, "and on top of all that, there's no more salvation at that point. And then the Bible says it will be 153 days later that the entire universe and planet Earth will be destroyed forever."
Haubert is 33 and single. Brown is married with several young children, and none of them shares his beliefs. It's caused a rift with his wife — but he says that, too, was predicted in the Bible.
"God says, 'Do you love husband or wife over me? Do you love son or daughter over me?' There is a test. There is a trial here that the believers are going through. It's a fiery trial."
As May 21 nears, Brown says he feels as if he's on a "roller coaster." What if he is raptured but his family is left behind?"I'm crying over my loved ones one minute; I'm elated the next minute," he says. "It's all over the place."
Where do you start with this? Okay, so I want to know the proof behind the earthquake in each time zone. If you’re studying what cryptic clues are in the Bible, let’s just point out that the time zones did not exist at that time. GMT, the universal “baseline” for time was not established until 1675, and the first “time zone” did not exist until 1847 as created by the British railway companies. So, yeah … just saying.
Alright, how about the “true Christian believers – and he hopes he’s one of them” line? Don’t you know if you’re a believer or not? Doesn’t the Bible say “whosoever believeth in Him shall have everlasting life?” I mean, does he have doubts in what he believes? Tsk, tsk. No rapture for you, crackpot!
His level of psychoticness caused a rift with his wife? Say it ain’t so!
“I’m crying over my loved ones one minute; I’m elated the next minute,” is his response to the question of how he will feel if he’s raptured but his (allegedly) heathen family isn’t. Somehow I think this dude would be the one ascending, looking down on everyone else left behind (family or otherwise) saying, “Sorry ‘bout your luck.”
Moving onto other psychos…
"Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans," says 27-year-old Adrienne Martinez.
She thought she'd go to medical school, until she began tuning in to Family Radio. She and her husband, Joel, lived and worked in New York City. But a year ago, they decided they wanted to spend their remaining time on Earth with their infant daughter.
"My mentality was, why are we going to work for more money? It just seemed kind of greedy to me. And unnecessary," she says.
And so, her husband adds, "God just made it possible — he opened doors. He allowed us to quit our jobs, and we just moved, and here we are."
Now they are in Orlando, in a rented house, passing out tracts and reading the Bible. Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June. Joel says they're spending the last of their savings. They don't see a need for one more dollar.
"You know, you think about retirement and stuff like that," he says. "What's the point of having some money just sitting there?"
"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did this woman just say they budgeted all their money so that, come May 21, 2011, they won’t have anything left? Is she fucking stupid? (It’s a rhetorical question.)
Let’s back up to the beginning and try to digest a little bit at a time.
"Knowing the date of the end of the world changes all your future plans.”
Umm, sweetheart, if you know when the end of the world is going to be, you have no future plans. None of us do.
She thought she'd go to medical school, until she began tuning in to Family Radio.
So, wait, you decided not to go to medical school because you just happened to hear on the radio that the world was going to end in May 2011? WHAT????????? I’ve also heard on the radio about the Loch Ness Monster but that’s not going to stop me from going to Scotland someday.
Um, because we need money to survive in this world. Even if we’re just surviving until 5/21/2011. Plus, sweetheart, welcome to America, where he who has the most money gets the most respect.
Their daughter is 2 years old, and their second child is due in June.
Well, if the Rapture does, in fact, happen on 5/21/2011 (hahahahahaha), that second child is sort of moot, isn’t it?
If the Rapture doesn’t happen, the poor child doesn’t have anything going for it, does it? Its parents are willingly-unemployed psychotic people will be on the street corner, panhandling, with a sign that reads, “Oops, the world didn’t end yet. Need money, need food.”
"We budgeted everything so that, on May 21, we won't have anything left," Adrienne adds.
On May 22, we’re all going to be pointing and laughing.
And now, who is behind Crackpot Door #3 – none other than the man who predicted this mess, himself.
Camping is not the first person to fix a date for the end of the world. There have been dozens of such prophets, and so far, they've all been wrong.
Camping himself has had to do some recalculation. He first predicted the end would come Sept. 6, 1994. He now explains that he had not completed his biblical research.
"For example, I at that time had not gone through the Book of Jeremiah," he explains, "which is a big book in the Bible that has a whole lot to say about the end of the world."
So he's not planning for May 22?
"Absolutely not," Camping says. "It is going to happen. There is no Plan B."
I've asked a dozen of Camping's followers the same question. Everyone said even entertaining the possibility that May 21 would come and go without event is an offense to God. They all hope they'll be raptured. Some worry about being left behind.
"If I'm here on May 22, and I wake up, I'm going to be in hell," says Brown. "And that's where I don't want to be. So there is going to be a May 22, and we don't want to be here."
On the other hand, he will presumably have lots of company.
Of course he’s been wrong before. So has everyone else. Case and point, Wiki points these failures out:
- 1844 - William Miller predicted Christ would return between March 21, 1843 and March 21, 1844, then revised his prediction, claiming to have miscalculated Scripture, to October 22, 1844. The realization that the predictions were incorrect resulted in a Great Disappointment. Miller's theology gave rise to the Advent movement. The Baha'is believe that Christ did return as Miller predicted in 1844, with the advent of The Báb, and numerous Miller-like prophetic predictions from many religions are given in William Sears book, Thief in The Night.
- 1914, 1918, 1925, 1942 and 1975 - Dates set for the end by the Jehovah's Witnesses
- 1981 - Chuck Smith predicted that Jesus would probably return by 1981.
- 1988 - Publication of 88 Reasons why the Rapture is in 1988, by Edgar C. Whisenant.
- 1989 - Publication of The final shout: Rapture report 1989, by Edgar Whisenant. More predictions by this author appeared for 1992, 1995, and other years.
- 1992 - Korean group "Mission for the Coming Days" predicted October 28, 1992 as the date for the rapture.
- 1993 - Seven years before the year 2000. The rapture would have to start to allow for seven years of the Tribulation before the Return in 2000. Multiple predictions.
- 1994 - Pastor John Hinkle of Christ Church in Los Angeles predicted June 9, 1994. Radio evangelist Harold Camping predicted September 6th, 1994.
- 2011 - Harold Camping's revised prediction has May 21, 2011 as the date of the rapture.
- 2060 - Sir Isaac Newton proposed, based upon his calculations using figures from the book of Daniel, that the Apocalypse could happen no earlier than 2060.
There is no Plan B? (I want to make a morning after pill joke here, but I just … it’s just too easy. Insert your own joke here.)
See, here’s the thing, and I’ve believed this for a long time. Every few years God and Jesus have this conversation that goes something like this:
God: So, Son, you ready to go back?
Jesus: Do I have to? I mean, I don’t wanna get crucified again, that was so 2,000 years ago.
God: No, this time won’t be so bad.
Jesus: Okay, whatever you say.
*the Earth News Network comes on – headline “Man Determines the Apocalypse Is Next Week”*
God: You want to make them wait a little bit longer? Prove they don’t know it all?
Jesus: Alright by me. Your turn in Wii Bowling, by the way.
Now, should the Rapture actually occur as planned, there is one burning question (just one?) left – whatever are you going to do with your pets? After all, they aren’t being Raptured with you.
Lucky for you, the answer is out there: After The Rapture Pet Care
What is this? The short version is, a group of volunteers who do not believe in the Rapture who, after you make the initial $10 donation and register your pets, will come to your house and adopt and care for your pets in your absence.
In theory, it’s a great idea. I mean, I have Oscar willed to someone should something happen to both me and Scott (and in reality, if it didn’t cost $150 to update the wills, we’d add Tona to that now). That being said, just tell me when the next couple estimations for Rapture are, and I promise, the night before, I’ll leave an envelope by the door bearing all my cash that reads, “In case of Rapture – for Oscar, Tona, Booger and Demon.”
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Because no post about the end of the world would be complete without it - I must include some REM.
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