Further proof carbs are bad for you, but not because of Dr. Atkins

Commercial stuffed pasta machine - oh yeah!

Man dies after falling into pasta machine

A man is dead after he fell into a machine while working at a Toronto pasta factory on Monday.

You know, the lead sort of takes the fun out of it. It just says a machine while working at a pasta factory. It could be one of a bunch of different kinds of machines. I like to think he fell into the machine that stuffs the ravioli, because it’s funny. (No, I don’t eat this brand of pasta, so I don’t have to worry about idiot-stuffed ravioli, thankyouverymuch.)

The man, 26, was the future son-in-law of the owner of Pasta Quistini, CBC News has learned.

Wow, not only did the writer take the fun out of it with the lead, but wrote in passive voice. This story just gets better and better.

What difference does this make? I mean, the only thing is I can say, kudos to the owner for not giving his future son-in-law some high-paying paper-pusher job just because he’s going to marry into the family.

A relative of a worker at Pasta Quistini told CBC News that the man’s shirt became caught in a pasta-making machine, pulling him in head-first. People who knew the victim said his first name was Justin. He was dating the factory owner's daughter, they told CBC.

A relative of a worker – wow, there’s a reliable source, an unnamed source at that. I don’t even know what to say to that, there are so many things wrong with that. The reporter inside me wants to bitch-slap someone.

Grammar Nazi cringe at “…the man’s shirt became caught...” It could have worked just fine stating, “the man’s shirt got caught.” But, you know, they didn’t pay me to write this story. And apparently whatever they paid this person was too much.

So, this guy was pulled into the pasta-making machine head-first. There are so many unanswered questions here. Did he fight? Why the hell didn’t someone turn the damn machine off? Does this mean he saw it coming?

“People who knew the victim said his first name was Justin…” Do people who don’t know him call him something else?

Um, he wasn’t just dating the factory owner’s daughter, he was engaged to her. At least that’s the process of deductive reasoning of calling him “future son-in-law” leads me to believe. Am I alone on this?

Police had little to say except that paramedics were brought in to deal with any of the staff who were still in shock after the accident.

So the paramedics weren’t brought in to handle him? Well, duh, he made a limited-edition ravioli, silly me.

So, how do you clean a killer pasta machine, anyway?

The owner's brother said his sister was admitted to hospital for shock.

The owner’s brother said his sister? Isn’t that a long-winded way to say the owner’s sister was admitted to the hospital?
**EDIT 4/12/11 thanks to asshole comments below**
Okay ... so the owner was admitted to the hospital for shock. Alright, I followed the family tree incorrectly, of course, the owner was never referred to as a female elsewhere, so how was I to know this? And why didn't the person who wrote this just say, "The owner was admitted to the hospital for shock." It's shoddy writing, which was my point in the first place.

Seriously, let’s hear it for socialized healthcare in Canada. You wouldn’t be admitted to the hospital for shock in the U.S., that’s for damn sure. They’d throw you a bottle of Prozac and tell you to go on your merry way. Only after you paid for it, because, unlike in Canada, you have to pay for your meds around here!

Because it is a workplace accident, the Ministry of Labour is investigating.

How much investigation is necessary? He either stood too close or wore a shirt that was too baggy, or a combination of both. It’s not like the machine just reached up and grabbed him because this guy pushed its buttons one too many times.

The factory is located at 1700 Ormont Dr., near Weston Road and Steeles Avenue West.

Yeah, I don’t live in Toronto, this means nothing to me. But, I left it here in case anyone wants to make a trek to Toronto to see the amazing killer pasta machine.

How does this guy’s obit read as far as cause of death? Cause of death was pasta, or was it pasta machine, or was it carbs, or was it just stupidity?