To who it may concern on the interwebs:
Theirs this crazy little thing called grammer and punctuations theyre in place for a reason Sometimes you need to seperate thoughts from others and i dont understand why your not able to figure it all out. Do it rite or get off the computer.
sincerely
me
To Whom It May Concern:
Do you know how hard it was for me to write that? I had to a) keep going back and correcting myself (because I did it correctly) and b) correcting auto-correct. If it’s that hard for me to write grammar incorrectly, why is it so easy for everyone else?
So, in no particular order, please allow me to introduce my top grammar pet peeves (if you read this blog regularly, you see it over and over again in the way I tear up news articles).
Ending a sentence with a preposition
I openly admit, I do violate this one from time to time. However, in most cases, I will catch it and rewrite the sentence before making myself look the fool. For example, the original sentence in the introduction was “…in the way I tear news articles up,” but I knew that wasn’t correct, and my twitchy grammar-inducing fingers hit the backspace key before they would allow the period to end the sentence. It’s not really that hard, people.
Now, there are instances where this happens and it’s okay, but for the most part, if it’s easy enough to write around, just do it.
That vs. who
This one drives me crazy, because it’s everywhere. Everywhere, I tell you! For example, I love the new Darius Rucker song (no comment, Paul D.), but the line “the girl that broke my heart,” just makes me go ape-shit inside. It’s the girl “who” broke your heart. WHO! She’s a person, she’s a who. You know, pretend she’s a Who down in Whoville. It’s not like using the word “who” to make it grammatically correct would adversely affect the flow of the song, it’s the SAME NUMBER OF SYLLABLES AND DOESN’T AFFECT RHYMING OR RHYTHM. There is no excuse. None. Exceptions can be made in music, but this is not one of them.
The rant above brings me to another one…
Affect vs. effect
Generally speaking, affect is a verb, effect is a noun. It’s that simple.
Yes, if you want to get into complex uses, ‘effect’ can be a verb, and ‘affect’ can be a noun, but anyone who effectively (hehe) uses these words in those contexts probably has a strong enough grasp on grammar to know what he/she is doing… or got really lucky.
It will adversely affect your life if you don’t understand the effect your poor grammar has on my poor, throbbing head.
Was vs. were
Seriously, this one is just subject-verb agreement. Come on. Back to music, there’s a Kenny Chesney song where the line is, “I wish I were the Tin Man.” No, Kenny, you don’t. “I wish I was the tin man.” I wish you were better at detecting grammatical errors in your song selection.
It’s/its; your/you’re; their/there/they’re
It’s not rocket science. Does it belong to someone or something? Then no apostrophe. Can you say the full contraction without it being awkward? Then use the apostrophe. Are you talking about a place? Then use there.
Incorrect: Its hot
Correct: No, it’s not. (Hint: “No, it is not” will work. Therefore, the contraction will work.)
Incorrect: It’s coat is fluffy.
Correct: Its coat is fluffy. (Hint: “It is coat is fluffy” will not work.)
Incorrect: Your invited to my grammar party.Correct: You’re invited to my grammar party. (Hint: “You are invited to my grammar party” works. Therefore, the contraction works.)
Incorrect: You’re car hit my car, now you must pay.
Correct: Your car hit my car, now you must pay. (Hint: “You are car hit my car, now you must pay” will not work.)
Incorrect: There damn dog crapped in my roses.
Correct: Their damn dog crapped in my roses.
Incorrect: Their was fecal matter everywhere.
Correct: There was fecal matter everywhere.
Incorrect: There going to pay for a landscaper to come fix it.
Correct: They’re going to pay for a landscaper to come fix it. They’re also going to scrape the poo off my shoes. (Hint: “They are going to pay for a landscaper…” works.)
Numbers
If you have a number in your sentence that is less than nine, you should spell it out. Always and forever. (Well, not always, if you’ve got multiple numbers in the sentence, and one is over 10, you should use numerals for both, just for consistency.)
I have two cats.
I have 18 fish and 2 cats.
Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever start a sentence with a number.
18 cats means I’m a crazy cat lady. No!
Eighteen cats means I’m a crazy cat lady. Yes!
Percent
How hard is it to spell out the word “percent?” I mean, really, people.
Punctuation within the double quotes
Let’s put the punctuation within the double quotes, mmmmkay?
Regardless
IRREGARDLESS IS NOT A WORD. STOP IT. STOP IT NOW. (Grammar Girl says it is because it appears in the dictionary. It does appear in the dictionary, I’ll give her that. But the definition states it is “non-standard” and is the “incorrect use of the word regardless.” Therefore, DON’T DO IT!)
Excessive use of ‘that’ and/or ‘had’
If you can take the word out of the sentence and not lose meaning, it is not necessary. Take it out.
She had said she was tired of crappy grammar.
IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS…
She said she was tired of crappy grammar.
They saw that the dog was tired of crappy grammar too. (Smart dog!)
IS EXACTLY THE SAME AS …
They saw the dog was tired of crappy grammar too. (Even smarter dog!)
Lack of commas after introductory clauses
I’m a huge violator of comma rules. I am the queen of the comma splice. For the love of all things holy, they belong after introductory clauses.
Toward/Towards
Technically both are correct. However, you use the one with an ‘s’ in Britain and the one without here.
We don’t use towards in the United States. You walk toward something. Get over it.
Less/Fewer
Meijer is the only place I have seen the express lane get it correct. Fifteen items or fewer. If you are talking about items you can count individually, you use fewer. If you are talking about an amount which consists of items you do not count individually, you use less.
I ate no fewer than 12 crackers.
I gobbled down no less than half that pie.
I now weigh as much as Jabba the Hut. Thanks for asking.
Farther/further
You use “farther” when talking about specific distance. Further is something you use when you want to add an addition to, or something more.
I can kick that damn dog who crapped in my roses father than you.
There are more – oh so many more. Seeing as how looking at bad grammar makes Grammar Nazi get a headache, deliberately writing with poor grammar gave Grammar Nazi a migraine. Until next time…
Love,
Grammar Nazi
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