Charlie Sheen said that sobriety "bores" him and that he may revert to substance abuse.
In other obvious news, the sky is blue and water is wet.
In a call to DirecTV/Fox Sports Radio's "The Dan Patrick Show," Sheen said "I was sober for five years a long time ago and was just bored out of my tree," he said during the rambling 28-minute phone interview with "It's inauthentic -- it's not who I am. I didn't drink for 12 years and, man, that first one [drink], Dan. Wow."
Okay, so being sober and responsible is just not who you are. Got it. Well, you know, you gotta give him points for being honest, even if he was stating the obvious. I can’t believe he actually had kids – it’s so anti-Charlie Sheen.
The star of "Two and a Half Men" laughed off the ethics clause in his TV contract.
"Yeah, blah, blah, nitpick, nitpick," he said. "I haven't read it, but I don't think it covers 'Let us totally dominate and interfere with your personal life.'"
Yeah, well, according to TMZ (my go-to source for all things Hollywood as of late), there is no morals clause in his contract.
However, let’s point out the stupidity in the statement “I haven’t read it.” Charlie, that’s where they always get you – the fine print you didn’t read. Seriously, have you not been paying attention? (Well, wait, if he spent his life in a drunken and/or cracked-out stupor, he probably hasn’t. But seriously, I know you have a well-paid lawyer, perhaps he could have spelled this out for you before you printed your name in block letters on the line.)
Sheen also said he was ready to work after less than two weeks of rehab. "Check it. It's like, I heal really quickly. But I unravel pretty quickly. So get me right now, guys," he said, referring to the show's producers.
You heal really quickly – like, Wolverine? As hard as you party and all, I seriously doubt you have completely detoxed Charlie. But, you know, what do I know?
Okay, so you unravel pretty quickly – perhaps that’s the part you should be working on, as opposed to just “healing.” But, again, what do I know?
But these were just the latest in a series of bizarre statements. Sheen turned up at a practice for UCLA's baseball team on Thursday and told players there, "Don't do crack. Drink chocolate milk."
You know, rumor had it that Pitino would make the team run until the first one puked. So the boys would drink a huge thing of chocolate milk before the run so one of them would hurl sooner. So, maybe he’s onto something telling athletes to drink chocolate milk.
"[There were] rumors that I've had problems with crack, so it just came out of me like poetry," Sheen said of the statement on Dan Patrick's show. "I said stay off the crack, and I still think that's pretty good advice, unless you can manage it socially. If you can manage it socially, then go for it, but not a lot of people can, you know?"
Stay off the crack, unless you can manage it socially. Wow, you are the king. We bow to your advice and wisdom. What other pearls of wisdom could Charlie throw out:
- Stay in school, unless you want to become an actor and party with me.
- Make sure you marry a pretty girl, and then put a knife to her throat. It’s the only way to show true love.
- Enjoy rehab. Go three times and your fourth visit is free! Your fifth visit is at home!
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