"I've tried saying no to the slugs..."

It’s hard for me to go all “insomni-blog-style Grammar Nazi” on an article that is actually well-written. The author is an associate professor of Journalism at the University of Maine – so in all truth, she could teach me a thing or two. That being said … the topic of this article was too good not to resist at least some sort of go, even if I can’t attack her grammar.

  

Garden slugs prefer Budweiser over imported brands

My battle against slugs in the garden could tarnish my reputation in the community.

Which community? The education community? The journalism community? Your neighborhood? Come on, you know I’m not the only one asking the question “which community” in the back of her head. Right? Right?

Apparently the slimy creatures, who look like large snails without shells, were breeding in the thick bed of straw that covered the garden last winter and became saturated with a month of rain in May.

They look like snails without shells because *gasp* they are snails without shells.

So, now you have a slug breeding farm. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. When it gives you slugs, make a slug farm. I mean, okay, there’s no real purpose to them (that I could find in my vast 30-second long Google), but I’m sure there’s a market for someone who wants to play practical jokes involving slugs. No? Darn.

So I raked most of the straw to the edges, making the garden look like a giant 20-foot-by-10-foot nest, and planted new seeds in the gaps between the few sprouts in the rows of beans. Still, as soon as the tender sprouts spread their leaves the slugs turned them into lace.

Perhaps this is a sign that you should give up gardening. Some people just aren’t cut out for it. I, in fact, am one of them.

Then I remembered someone telling me you could catch slugs with beer. I had a few bottles left over from a party in May, so I tried it. Sure enough. The critters crept into the foil pie pans of beer I scattered between the rows of beans and squashes.

Was he drunk when he told you? Just asking.

I love the fact she had to include “in May.” It wasn’t enough to tell us she had some leftover from a party (in fact, all she really had to do was say she had beer), but she had to reiterate when the party took place. Is she trying to prove she’s not an alcoholic? Because, you know, she has a reputation in the community.

Oh look, I get to do it …. though, this time I do it with all due respect… Grammar Nazi note: Wouldn’t the correct phrase be “rows of beans and squash?” In this particular instance, isn’t ‘squash’ both singular and plural, you know, like ‘moose.’ (Yes, to those of you who know me, I just found a way to work the word ‘moose’ into a completely unrelated blog post. Who rules?)

I was willing to give up a few bottles of Corona, but drew the line when I was down to my nice Irish stout. I was going to have to buy beer especially for the slugs. What brand do you suppose they would like?

There are two levels of disturbing here.

·         She refused to give the slugs her Irish stout. How stingy. You gotta be a good hostess.

·         She was going to go buy beer especially for her slugs. I have bought things for my dogs. I’ve bought food for a stray cat outside my old apartment. I’ve made lasagna which I shared with my cats. But buying beer for an invertebrate. I think that crosses the line.

Though, speaking of lines, I know many people who would cry “party foul” at the mere thought of giving beer to slugs.

I didn’t want to be stuck with a brand I’d never drink myself, so settled on a six-pack of Molson, because it was on sale at Sleepers for $5.99. Well, they went through that in a week, and I was not about to return to the same store for another six-pack so soon. I imagined the face of the cashier when I explained it was for my slugs.

You didn’t want to be stuck with a brand you’d never drink yourself. Aww, that goes back to the old saying, “always buy a gift for someone that you would use yourself.” How sweet. Just remember, THEY HAVE NO BACKBONE! Literally and figuratively.

It's a horrible PhotoShop, I know...

Okay, now, let’s look at the fact your slugs downed a six-pack of beer in a week. See, we need more information. How many slugs were there? Like, a handful? A gaggle? A flock? A herd? This does raise the question – what is a group of slugs called? (Besides slimy.)

Imagine my surprise to see this question already raised on Yahoo! Answers though there is no real definitive answer here – I see “bed,” “rout,” and “cornucopia.” Let’s go with cornucopia. I like that. Gives particular je ne sais pas to the traditional Thanksgiving centerpiece, does it not?

Now, let’s back up for just a second … you were afraid to go back to the same store to get more beer because they downed that six-pack in a week? I know people who have downed a six-pack in a night. Someone’s a little over-sensitive. I mean, I know you have a reputation in the community, but still… a six-pack in a week is a beer a day. There’s nothing wrong with that.

So I went to the supermarket and found a 40-ounce bottle of Budweiser for $2.99. Perfect. They loved it. I caught twice as many slugs with Bud as with either Corona or Molson. I actually watched a slug make its way past the seedlings toward a pan of beer.

A 40-ounce of Bud for $3. Is that good or not? I don’t drink beer, but I would assume that’s not half bad.

Now, can one really determine that the slugs, as a general rule, like Bud more, or that you just happened to breed a redneck colony of slugs? How much inbreeding occurred in your little slug farm?

Now I was curious. Do they really prefer one brand over another? Was I willing to give up some of my imports for an experiment? Would slugs collect in a pie pan of, say, Guinness?

I see a double-edged sword here. I admire the fact she thought to turn this into a science experiment. I likely would too. Or, would people accuse her of having nothing better to do with her time (and money and beer)?

So I cracked open one of my last two bottles of Guinness, telling myself it never tastes as good out of the bottle as from the tap anyway. I had wanted to use Budweiser as a control, but could not find a 40-ounce bottle in Caribou. (I must have gone all the way to Presque Isle the first time in my search for anonymity.) In Caribou, it was hard to find anything smaller than a 12-pack of Bud at the supermarket, so I settled for a six-pack of Moosehead.

Wow, true devotion to the cause, she sacrificed Guinness. I personally think Guinness is vile and I’d have used that one first. (Interesting side experiment: do slugs like that crap down at the bottom of the can that makes noise?)

I love the talking herself out of guilt. “Well, it’s better from the tap, so it’s okay to let the slugs have it.” I wonder if she won the argument with her husband over that. 

 “Honey, where’s my Guinness?” 

“I used it for my science experiment out back with the slugs.” 

“You what?”

“I gave it to the slugs. I figured it’s better from the tap than from the bottle, so you’ll survive.” 
*rummages through fridge* “All that’s left is Moosehead. Are you kidding me? You best buy me a keg of Guinness for this, woman.” 

And, might I just throw this out there because, well, it’s me … MOOSEhead!

I poured pools of Guinness into three pie pans and Moosehead into three pie pans. There was a little left in each bottle, so I emptied them both into a seventh pan — not really a black-and-tan, but close.

Really, you decided to mix the two as opposed to just swigging it yourself? What kind of drinker are you?

The next morning there were two slugs in the Guinness, two in the Moosehead and none in the pan with a blend. Clearly they had no preference for Irish or Canadian brew, or Mexican if I included last week’s Corona. But compared to the number of slugs I found in the Budweiser, this performance was, well, sluggish.

Sluggish …ah, hahhaha. No, that pun was beyond bad.

As someone who took numerous classes in grad school about performing experiments, one might question the placement of the pie plates of beer in each juncture. Your control was not the same each time, nor, I guess, your placement. So they could have ended up in the Moosehead and Guinness due to their proximity rather than taste or alcohol content. After all, you had three tins and only two slugs. So is that two slugs in one tin, one in two and none in one. There are a lot of factors we really need to iron out here to make this conclusive.

And no, I cannot fathom why I went all scientific method over beer and slugs.

I had to confirm my slugs’ loyalty to American beer. Of course I wondered whether it was just Budweiser they loved or whether any American beer would do. Back to Presque Isle for that $2.99 bottle of Bud and, unable to find an equivalent bargain in another brand, a six-pack of Rolling Rock.

I’m disappointed. No PBR? Bud and Rolling Rock – that’s a high-brow college party.

In what had become a twilight ritual, I headed for the vegetable garden, a bottle of beer in each hand, and filled three pie pans with one brand, three with the other. I also placed a pan of each brand in a separate salad garden where smaller slugs feed on the arugula.

Can you imagine this one? “Hey, you wanna go over to the Jones’ for a cookout tonight?”

“You go on ahead, I’ll meet you there, I’ve got to go give the slugs beer first.”

The next morning in the vegetable garden I found seven slugs passed out in the pans of Bud, none in the Rolling Rock, a preference confirmed by the slugs in the salad garden where the pan of Bud was loaded with little slugs while only one floated in the Rolling Rock.

Were they passed out, or dead?

That poses an interesting question, how do slugs’ bodies process alcohol? Can they die of alcohol poisoning? If they can, is this person guilty of hazing her poor little slugs?

Hehehe, can you picture a slug bong party? Without a backbone, the slug could hold its own beer bong in place. (Note to self: in free time, must PhotoShop this.)

I can honestly say I have never bought so much beer in such a short span of time, nor been so conscious of the prices. And, while I was able to scatter my purchases among a variety of grocery stores, I use only one recycling center, so my reputation might suffer when I return the empties.

See, you need to sell your inbreeding, drunk little slugs to recoup the money you spent for this experiment.

There you go again worrying about your reputation. If someone asks at the recycling center (like they would), just tell them you had a party. You had one in May, obviously. Honestly though, what do you have there? An empty Guinness bottle, an empty six-pack of Molson, an empty six-pack of Moosehead, an empty six-pack of Rolling Rock and two empty 40s of Bud. Pshaw. I know people who have drunk that much in a night and no one asked questions later (besides the obvious, “Hey, dude, are you alive?”)

Meanwhile, I wonder if there is a gardener across the border who would like the leftover Moosehead and Rolling Rock to test the patriotism of Canadian slugs.

If any Canadians perform this experiment, I’d love to know the results. I’d do it myself, but I have never seen a lot of slugs around the house, so I’d only be successful in getting Tona drunk off her ass, as opposed to slugs.